Friday, February 27, 2009
Photography
I often catch myself saying that I do photography as opposed to saying that I am a photographer. I am struggling with understanding why there is a part of me that refuses to acknowledge the fullness of my artistic talents. I am not able to own the relationship with my camera as equal to those that can speak the technical jargon of seasoned photographers. I do understand that the camera captures what the eye sees. But I see an ability in others to create with the eye of the camera that which the mind sees. I am in awe of that ability to invoke in me thoughts of dreams and emotional realities through the photojournalistic representation of "a day in the life of" whomever. Yet, with each viewing of someone's work I am so compelled to pick up my own camera and enjoy the capture of a moment and the creative eye with which I see the simplicity that I transgress my creative boundaries; I am, in that moment, a photographer and I accept it even if only for a moment.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Pay My Bills
The more I hear about this stimulus package (everyday), the more I am enraged with the thought that someone's irresponsibility has become my problem. The fact that we are now bailing out Americans that foolishly signed on the dotted line to purchase a home that they knew they could not afford is just insane. Everyone knew of the housing bubble, knew that it would burst at some point and gambled on being able to get as much as they could before it happened. Some did. Some purchased homes, held onto them for a year or two and sold for significant gain (sometimes into the hundreds of thousands). Those were the smart ones...they recognized a good thing such as low interest rates, no down payment, interest only loans and bought and sold before the market could go sour. Great investors and kudos to those.
However, many were average everyday Americans who, in a different market, could not afford the home they purchased. They couldn't settle for the modest home that would fit their needs but, not their fantasies. Some, actually far too many, purchased way more home than they needed on the hopes that they could refinance once the interest only period expired and with increase in value they would benefit from a large cushion of equity. Some of these loans qualified people on their ability to pay the interest only payment, not the full note. As interest rates were low, this was perfect and payments were better than renting in some cases. I know, I sold some of those loans.
I know that people had to know what they were getting into because there is an obligation of disclosure. I explained, explained and explained again in order that my clients knew. They were given information to read and advised to do their own due diligence. This is not to say that every loan consultant or mortgage broker or bank did as I did. Yet, it is still the responsibility of the signer to know what they are signing and the buyer to know what they are buying. (FYI, no shady deals on my record)
I didn't buy. I didn't take that gamble. I didn't because I read the papers, paid attention to the economists, heard the financial advisors. The bubble was sure to burst. And it did. I am still in my apartment that I hate. I don't have a mortgage but, now I have to help you pay yours.
I am afraid that as much as I am not a republican, I am with the republicans on this matter. Loss needs to be an unfortunate consequence that those idiots who bought homes way out of their budget feel. They were living in apartment prior and can certainly move back into one. We are not saving people from homelessness, we are saving them from houselessness.
Frankly if the reason is that the banks were wrong for giving them the loans, then let's use that reasoning with my student loans. Tell me why I owe enough money to have become a doctor. The schools allowed me to take out extra money, the banks gave it to me. So, since I didn't know better at 19, it is not fair that I have to pay my student loans. How about we add that to the stimulus.
Let me add that I do understand the need for money to flow, banks to lend, credit loosened, etc. However, I am tired of it being spun into a concern for people losing their homes. Again, pay for my ignorance...I will send you the notes.
And after hearing that part of the stimulus money goes to Filipino veterans I am simply bothered by the bill that we (as a country) are now carrying. Just for the record, I have nothing against Filipino vets and more power to you for getting your share. However, I just can't get completely on board with this being a part of a "stimulus" package.
However, many were average everyday Americans who, in a different market, could not afford the home they purchased. They couldn't settle for the modest home that would fit their needs but, not their fantasies. Some, actually far too many, purchased way more home than they needed on the hopes that they could refinance once the interest only period expired and with increase in value they would benefit from a large cushion of equity. Some of these loans qualified people on their ability to pay the interest only payment, not the full note. As interest rates were low, this was perfect and payments were better than renting in some cases. I know, I sold some of those loans.
I know that people had to know what they were getting into because there is an obligation of disclosure. I explained, explained and explained again in order that my clients knew. They were given information to read and advised to do their own due diligence. This is not to say that every loan consultant or mortgage broker or bank did as I did. Yet, it is still the responsibility of the signer to know what they are signing and the buyer to know what they are buying. (FYI, no shady deals on my record)
I didn't buy. I didn't take that gamble. I didn't because I read the papers, paid attention to the economists, heard the financial advisors. The bubble was sure to burst. And it did. I am still in my apartment that I hate. I don't have a mortgage but, now I have to help you pay yours.
I am afraid that as much as I am not a republican, I am with the republicans on this matter. Loss needs to be an unfortunate consequence that those idiots who bought homes way out of their budget feel. They were living in apartment prior and can certainly move back into one. We are not saving people from homelessness, we are saving them from houselessness.
Frankly if the reason is that the banks were wrong for giving them the loans, then let's use that reasoning with my student loans. Tell me why I owe enough money to have become a doctor. The schools allowed me to take out extra money, the banks gave it to me. So, since I didn't know better at 19, it is not fair that I have to pay my student loans. How about we add that to the stimulus.
Let me add that I do understand the need for money to flow, banks to lend, credit loosened, etc. However, I am tired of it being spun into a concern for people losing their homes. Again, pay for my ignorance...I will send you the notes.
And after hearing that part of the stimulus money goes to Filipino veterans I am simply bothered by the bill that we (as a country) are now carrying. Just for the record, I have nothing against Filipino vets and more power to you for getting your share. However, I just can't get completely on board with this being a part of a "stimulus" package.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Following Directions
What is so difficult about following directions? Was this not a focus of testing in elementary school where the teacher made you sit with your hands crossed on your desk while she read a ten minute explanation of how to fill in the little bubbles and turn the pages...as if bubble filling and page turning was really that difficult. Perhaps it is our focus on speed and instant access that causes people to "skip" the introductions, bypass the instructions and dive head first into stupid.
Sometimes it is the simplest "direction". For example, anyone that calls me...and probably you too...could hear " I am not available to take your call...Please leave a message after the beep." Yet how many actually leave a message? Better yet, how many proceed prior to the beep only to repeat themselves after the beep?
The irony is that the ones that don't leave messages often get frustrated with me because I don't return their calls. Well, how the heck am I supposed to know you called if you don't leave a message? And more importantly, if it was not important enough for you to leave a message, then it is not important enough for me to call right back. Follow Directions!
And when I order a small (or Tall if I am in Starbucks) soy, hot chocolate with hazelnut, no whip cream and no foam, don't get pissed at me when I return the cup that is half full with foam or that I see you mistakenly making with whole milk. Follow Directions!
If I say call me after 6:00 because I will be busy and won't have time to focus on you until then, don't get bothered when you call at 5:00 and I am abrupt and have no time for you. Follow Directions!
If we are driving, and you have directions which you pulled from Mapquest, Yahoo Maps, or a local map, why do you need me to tell you where to turn? Follow the Damn Directions!
When I tell you to go north on hwy 101 and you, in your brilliance, ignore the signs directing you to north instead to go south, don't call me to ask what to do next. You should have followed my directions in the first place. Now you need to reach back into your elementary school lesson of opposites and figure that one out yourself lest you look like a fool. Turn around, and resume Following Original Directions.
When you buy a chair that needs assembly, don't try to put it together by looking at the picture. It comes with directions for a reason, pull them out, get all necessary tools (as it says) and yes, FOLLOW the DIRECTIONS...or warn me prior to sitting in that chair.
However, when you receive a lovely, touching, inspirational poem forwarded by email through a line of people you don't know, don't follow the directions.
Sometimes it is the simplest "direction". For example, anyone that calls me...and probably you too...could hear " I am not available to take your call...Please leave a message after the beep." Yet how many actually leave a message? Better yet, how many proceed prior to the beep only to repeat themselves after the beep?
The irony is that the ones that don't leave messages often get frustrated with me because I don't return their calls. Well, how the heck am I supposed to know you called if you don't leave a message? And more importantly, if it was not important enough for you to leave a message, then it is not important enough for me to call right back. Follow Directions!
And when I order a small (or Tall if I am in Starbucks) soy, hot chocolate with hazelnut, no whip cream and no foam, don't get pissed at me when I return the cup that is half full with foam or that I see you mistakenly making with whole milk. Follow Directions!
If I say call me after 6:00 because I will be busy and won't have time to focus on you until then, don't get bothered when you call at 5:00 and I am abrupt and have no time for you. Follow Directions!
If we are driving, and you have directions which you pulled from Mapquest, Yahoo Maps, or a local map, why do you need me to tell you where to turn? Follow the Damn Directions!
When I tell you to go north on hwy 101 and you, in your brilliance, ignore the signs directing you to north instead to go south, don't call me to ask what to do next. You should have followed my directions in the first place. Now you need to reach back into your elementary school lesson of opposites and figure that one out yourself lest you look like a fool. Turn around, and resume Following Original Directions.
When you buy a chair that needs assembly, don't try to put it together by looking at the picture. It comes with directions for a reason, pull them out, get all necessary tools (as it says) and yes, FOLLOW the DIRECTIONS...or warn me prior to sitting in that chair.
However, when you receive a lovely, touching, inspirational poem forwarded by email through a line of people you don't know, don't follow the directions.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Friendship
I was chatting with my cousin yesterday about my event planning business and wedding planning. When I started describing the fiasco of a "friend's" wedding a few years back she playfully called me on the way I label people friends and then often follow it with how we aren't really friends.
This got me to thinking. I do have a definite idea of what I call a friend and this particular person was marrying a friend of a friend of mine. So, in fact, she was not my friend. She was just someone that I know...and not very well.
So, now I am thinking about the people in my life that I have given the label friend. Some have truly earned or deserve the title but, others simply road in on someone's connection. Yet, I have been a friend, in my own rights, to each and everyone. Only I am now wondering, as I move through personal and professional growth, which of those individuals that are now included in my circle of friends really should be released to the realm of "people I know".
Coming from a culture/environment where friends support one another in their endeavors, I have given my support to each of my friends in varying ways. I have been there with a slap of reality, a camera to hold, a pen to edit, a ride to the airport, a meal, an ear (I am finding that I really like lists), a ticket to an event I am not really interested in attending. For what it is worth, I have included my kids when I could, I have found babysitters for them when they couldn't be included. I have done...as far as I believe...my duty as a friend and continue to do so not out of obligation but, true appreciation for the part that each of my friends plays in my life.
For my friends, I would make sacrifices and be there even when being there puts a strain on me. Yet, I am finding that we do not all hold the same expectations for friendship. Too many of us expect our friends to be there and support us regardless of how we show up for them. And showing up on our time and at our convenience is not really showing up.
Evaluate yourself. Check your list of friends and make sure that you are showing up consistently and constantly.
My real friends are reading this post...others who are not...well, makes me wonder how are friendship fares.
This got me to thinking. I do have a definite idea of what I call a friend and this particular person was marrying a friend of a friend of mine. So, in fact, she was not my friend. She was just someone that I know...and not very well.
So, now I am thinking about the people in my life that I have given the label friend. Some have truly earned or deserve the title but, others simply road in on someone's connection. Yet, I have been a friend, in my own rights, to each and everyone. Only I am now wondering, as I move through personal and professional growth, which of those individuals that are now included in my circle of friends really should be released to the realm of "people I know".
Coming from a culture/environment where friends support one another in their endeavors, I have given my support to each of my friends in varying ways. I have been there with a slap of reality, a camera to hold, a pen to edit, a ride to the airport, a meal, an ear (I am finding that I really like lists), a ticket to an event I am not really interested in attending. For what it is worth, I have included my kids when I could, I have found babysitters for them when they couldn't be included. I have done...as far as I believe...my duty as a friend and continue to do so not out of obligation but, true appreciation for the part that each of my friends plays in my life.
For my friends, I would make sacrifices and be there even when being there puts a strain on me. Yet, I am finding that we do not all hold the same expectations for friendship. Too many of us expect our friends to be there and support us regardless of how we show up for them. And showing up on our time and at our convenience is not really showing up.
Evaluate yourself. Check your list of friends and make sure that you are showing up consistently and constantly.
My real friends are reading this post...others who are not...well, makes me wonder how are friendship fares.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Baggage...Not Necessarily Negative
We all know that I am currently in a constant state of reflection and that my mind often moves into deep thought over the simplest of elements. Today it is the idea of baggage. Baggage, in the context of relationships, is viewed as a negative element from the past that tends to cause turmoil and frustration in present circumstances. We are often warned to stay away from a man or woman who has a lot of baggage.
Well, as I was on my way to spend some time with my loved one (self) this past weekend, with my new commitment to stay off of the phone while driving, I got caught up in the thought that we all have baggage. And, if you have lived and loved even once, you have a lot of baggage.
If baggage is a representation of our past pains and hurts then you are bound to be carrying the weight of lost love, missed opportunity, an emotionally distant mother, an absent father, misrepresentation, infidelity, ignorance, middle child syndrome, school struggles, unemployment, etc. (you get the picture)
We are all a product of our pasts. So, to simply say that you don't want someone with baggage is to say that you don't want someone that has a past. You don't want someone that grew up in a family and you don't want someone who grew up without a family. You don't want someone that has had a love relationship, a job, friends, gone to school. An you don't want someone who has not had these experiences. It is in the experience or the lack of experience that our bags are filled. And the ultimate problem is that even the most emotionally in tune and self reflective person has their own bags to tote.
I have lived and have bags and have taken great care to meticulously fill them with all of the necessities to protect me from reliving any painful aspect of my personal history. My bags guide me...giving me direction such that I recognize frequently traveled roads...those that lead to nowhere. The contents of my bags remind me of who I don't want to be and where I don't want to go and with whom I would rather not travel.
I do not want someone who does not recognize their baggage and has not done a full evaluation of the contents in an effort to decide what needs to go to goodwill versus what is valuable. I want someone who understands that when I reach into my bag and pull out a need to flee, they don't need to reach into their bag and find their fear of abandonment.
I understand the notion of baggage being the refusal to let go of past hurts and carrying the grudges or distrust into a current relationship. However, I am challenging that notion. From our past, we have grown (hopefully) and we may have let go of the pain yet, there is always a chance that a new situation spark a feeling of deja vu.
We all have baggage. The key is to know what kind you carry and what you have packed so that you can recognize your property at the baggage claim.
Well, as I was on my way to spend some time with my loved one (self) this past weekend, with my new commitment to stay off of the phone while driving, I got caught up in the thought that we all have baggage. And, if you have lived and loved even once, you have a lot of baggage.
If baggage is a representation of our past pains and hurts then you are bound to be carrying the weight of lost love, missed opportunity, an emotionally distant mother, an absent father, misrepresentation, infidelity, ignorance, middle child syndrome, school struggles, unemployment, etc. (you get the picture)
We are all a product of our pasts. So, to simply say that you don't want someone with baggage is to say that you don't want someone that has a past. You don't want someone that grew up in a family and you don't want someone who grew up without a family. You don't want someone that has had a love relationship, a job, friends, gone to school. An you don't want someone who has not had these experiences. It is in the experience or the lack of experience that our bags are filled. And the ultimate problem is that even the most emotionally in tune and self reflective person has their own bags to tote.
I have lived and have bags and have taken great care to meticulously fill them with all of the necessities to protect me from reliving any painful aspect of my personal history. My bags guide me...giving me direction such that I recognize frequently traveled roads...those that lead to nowhere. The contents of my bags remind me of who I don't want to be and where I don't want to go and with whom I would rather not travel.
I do not want someone who does not recognize their baggage and has not done a full evaluation of the contents in an effort to decide what needs to go to goodwill versus what is valuable. I want someone who understands that when I reach into my bag and pull out a need to flee, they don't need to reach into their bag and find their fear of abandonment.
I understand the notion of baggage being the refusal to let go of past hurts and carrying the grudges or distrust into a current relationship. However, I am challenging that notion. From our past, we have grown (hopefully) and we may have let go of the pain yet, there is always a chance that a new situation spark a feeling of deja vu.
We all have baggage. The key is to know what kind you carry and what you have packed so that you can recognize your property at the baggage claim.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY
I am not sure what this day will bring. I am not sure if I should expect it to bring anything different than the rest of the 363 days of the year. Everyday should be Valentine's Day. Anyday should be a day to surprise your loved one with flowers, candy, spa pampering, fine bottle of wine, dinner theater...actually does anyone know a good dinner theater in the bay area. We all know this, yet we get caught up in ourselves, our struggles, our stresses, our successes that we forget to appreciate living and live.
As I started this day, I prepared for it to be special. I am loving myself and today I will celebrate being in love with by grown son who thinks that when you turn 18 you don't have to listen to your parents anymore but still kisses me goodnight (he'll always need me)...my beautiful daughter who is just coming into herself and finding her independence (she'll always pretend she doesn't need me).... and my precious monster baby who doesn't know today from yesterday but fills all our days with crazy, whiny, fun, adventure.
I will celebrate my loving me...and I will enjoy.
Heartfelt much love to all of my friends and family who continue to support me in all of my me.
Love you and to you I toast today...of course after I toast me. ;)
As I started this day, I prepared for it to be special. I am loving myself and today I will celebrate being in love with by grown son who thinks that when you turn 18 you don't have to listen to your parents anymore but still kisses me goodnight (he'll always need me)...my beautiful daughter who is just coming into herself and finding her independence (she'll always pretend she doesn't need me).... and my precious monster baby who doesn't know today from yesterday but fills all our days with crazy, whiny, fun, adventure.
I will celebrate my loving me...and I will enjoy.
Heartfelt much love to all of my friends and family who continue to support me in all of my me.
Love you and to you I toast today...of course after I toast me. ;)
Friday, February 13, 2009
Disconnect to Connect
Put down the cell phone
Turn off the ringer
Log off of Facebook, Myspace, AIM, IM
Forget your email
Take off your headphones
Go to a friend's home just to say hi
Speak to the person next to you in line
Share a table with a perfect stranger...and talk to them
Say hi to the passerby
Talk to yourself
Disconnect to truly Connect
Turn off the ringer
Log off of Facebook, Myspace, AIM, IM
Forget your email
Take off your headphones
Go to a friend's home just to say hi
Speak to the person next to you in line
Share a table with a perfect stranger...and talk to them
Say hi to the passerby
Talk to yourself
Disconnect to truly Connect
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Friends?
After much deliberation and months of reservation, I have finally joined the Facebook craze. I have been having so much fun adding photos, picking friends, posting notes, etc. But, I now have a new series of thoughts.
1. Are these "friends" really my "friends"? I mean can I invite them for a family dinner and expect them to show up? Will they know me and can I cry on their shoulder or tell them the funny thing that the baby did last night? Actually, if I tell them, because I can write whatever I want on their wall, will they care? Or will they think I am a stalker nut and block me? (I'll let you know.) When I need a ride because my car has a flat tire, which of them will show up?
2. Are we so busy, caught up in our lives, trying to live that we forget to live? We forget to spend time to meet people...get to know people? Can we really connect this way? Or actually, are the connections real?
3. If our lives are so busy and we are so enthralled in ourselves (not negatively) that we can't get out to interact with the physical friends, how in the world will we have time for the 2000+ new friends we meet at the Facebook "cafe"?
I don't know....but, I know that I have already "connected" with someone from high school, someone that I haven't seen in over two years, another that I have been meaning to contact. So, I will enjoy the benefits of technology and this new venue of "keeping up".
But one thing, didn't our parents teach us not to write on walls? Some changes are going to have to be made in the teachings after all "typing on cyber walls" will have to be the known exception to the rule...right there with chalkboards.
Oh...an afterthought...but, quite important...do I really want to be "friends" with my kids? Do I really want to know what they are saying to their friends or is it better the way our parents had it...kept in the dark! (not from a prevention of internet predator perspective...perspective of I don't want to know that my kids curse or think they are gangsters when they clearly have no clue.)
1. Are these "friends" really my "friends"? I mean can I invite them for a family dinner and expect them to show up? Will they know me and can I cry on their shoulder or tell them the funny thing that the baby did last night? Actually, if I tell them, because I can write whatever I want on their wall, will they care? Or will they think I am a stalker nut and block me? (I'll let you know.) When I need a ride because my car has a flat tire, which of them will show up?
2. Are we so busy, caught up in our lives, trying to live that we forget to live? We forget to spend time to meet people...get to know people? Can we really connect this way? Or actually, are the connections real?
3. If our lives are so busy and we are so enthralled in ourselves (not negatively) that we can't get out to interact with the physical friends, how in the world will we have time for the 2000+ new friends we meet at the Facebook "cafe"?
I don't know....but, I know that I have already "connected" with someone from high school, someone that I haven't seen in over two years, another that I have been meaning to contact. So, I will enjoy the benefits of technology and this new venue of "keeping up".
But one thing, didn't our parents teach us not to write on walls? Some changes are going to have to be made in the teachings after all "typing on cyber walls" will have to be the known exception to the rule...right there with chalkboards.
Oh...an afterthought...but, quite important...do I really want to be "friends" with my kids? Do I really want to know what they are saying to their friends or is it better the way our parents had it...kept in the dark! (not from a prevention of internet predator perspective...perspective of I don't want to know that my kids curse or think they are gangsters when they clearly have no clue.)
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Just a Thought
1. If it takes a village to raise a child, why am I the only one footing the bill?
2. Babies come out one at a time for a reason.
3. When did someone's marriage become someone else's business.
4. You don't have to hit back.
5. Spanish-speaking does not mean illegal and illegal does not mean uneducated.
6. Change is good.
7. What is the use of having cake if you can't eat it?
8. You may be damned if you do but, you are definitely more damned if you don't.
9. Get a young dog and teach it all the tricks you want.
10. If you take the top off...for the love of God...put it back on.
2. Babies come out one at a time for a reason.
3. When did someone's marriage become someone else's business.
4. You don't have to hit back.
5. Spanish-speaking does not mean illegal and illegal does not mean uneducated.
6. Change is good.
7. What is the use of having cake if you can't eat it?
8. You may be damned if you do but, you are definitely more damned if you don't.
9. Get a young dog and teach it all the tricks you want.
10. If you take the top off...for the love of God...put it back on.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship
This is not listed in any particular order of least to greatest.
1. If you go to the club, you go separately.
There is something clearly wrong with a relationship where either partner prefers to go to the club solo EVERY weekend. Most of us have been to clubs/bars and know that anyone there that is not attached to another is fair game. If he has a woman, why isn't she with him? Sometimes is okay. We all need to breath. But, regularly....NO!
2. His "boys night out" takes precedence to your spending quality time together.
I dated a guy who had a routine of going out with the "fellas" on Friday nights. This rarely bothered me because I usually didn't have a babysitter for Friday nights. One week a girlfriend volunteered to give me some "me time" and take the kids for an evening. The only evening that worked for her was Friday night. My "boyfriend" didn't want to change his "boys night out" routine despite the fact that this was a once in a blue moon opportunity. Suffice it to say, he went out with the fellas and I went on a date with someone else.
3. You don't want to tell him/her what you are thinking because he/she will be upset.
Communication is the key to maintaining any relationship. Once the communication fails and you can't go to your partner with your concerns then there is no relationship. And if everytime you try to talk about something that concerns you they retaliate with something that they don't like about you, then the two of you are not communicating. You have to talk to each other to know each other.
4. You stop spending time with your friends.
Your relationship should be an addition to your life. It should not take you away from everything that you love. If your partner insists on monopolizing your time and keeping you from your friends and family, they are usually trying to keep you from realizing the crazy that is their world. It is in an effort to keep you solely dependent on them feeding their insecurities and draining you of your you.
5. You forego going out with your friends because he might call. Or, you cancel a date with your friends because he called to ask you out at the last minute.
So, a few years ago there was a female "friend" of mine who had invited me to her home for dinner and to go the the movies at a cool theatre in Oakland, CA. Because she tended to be a bit "flaky" I confirmed two to three times that day even calling as I was on my way to make sure that we were still on for hanging out. She said confirmed and said that she would wait for me to call to guide me from the highway to her home. That was the last we talked until I saw her about a year and a half later. She stood me up because some guy showed up and asked her to go out to dinner. Not healthy.
6. You are worried about your partner seeking attention from the opposite sex.
Now, this is all relative. It would be difficult to discern if this is just your "monster" or hers/his. None the less, it is a monster and if it rears its ugly head in your relationship, then that is unhealthy and the relationship may be unhealthy for you.
7. Sex is the beginning, the middle and the end.
If all you have is a physical connection then call it that. Now, this is only unhealthy if you are looking for more than the physical. If not, then more power to you.
8. Your partner doesn't respect your issues/demons and support you through ridding yourself of the hold.
We all have demons...traits that are unhealthy for us. Our loved ones should love us despite us but help us to improve through support and understanding. Caution: this is only if we are willing to deal with ourselves truthfully. Don't expect him/her to be around while you abuse their commitment to you.
9. He/she is verbally/emotionally/physically abusive.
Abuse comes in all kinds of forms and physical abuse may be more easily recognizable but emotional and verbal abuse can have a tendency to outlast the physical or to compound it. We must not allow for any abuses with regards to those that we love or that love us. We must respect ourselves enough to not accept the trash that others dish. And, this goes back to alienating ourselves from our friends, we must never fear talking to others that love us because there is nothing like a big brother, a loving mother, a sister's shoulder to cry on while the cousins kick his a*&....sorry, I got lost for a minute...but, you get it.
10. You are unhappy, unfulfilled, not growing, bored.
This is all for today. Feel free to add to the list.
Now, realizing that you are in an unhealthy relationship does not necessarily mean that you need to end said relationship. Relationships take work. So, it means that you have some work to do to get your relationship back on track to healthy. We will talk about that later.
1. If you go to the club, you go separately.
There is something clearly wrong with a relationship where either partner prefers to go to the club solo EVERY weekend. Most of us have been to clubs/bars and know that anyone there that is not attached to another is fair game. If he has a woman, why isn't she with him? Sometimes is okay. We all need to breath. But, regularly....NO!
2. His "boys night out" takes precedence to your spending quality time together.
I dated a guy who had a routine of going out with the "fellas" on Friday nights. This rarely bothered me because I usually didn't have a babysitter for Friday nights. One week a girlfriend volunteered to give me some "me time" and take the kids for an evening. The only evening that worked for her was Friday night. My "boyfriend" didn't want to change his "boys night out" routine despite the fact that this was a once in a blue moon opportunity. Suffice it to say, he went out with the fellas and I went on a date with someone else.
3. You don't want to tell him/her what you are thinking because he/she will be upset.
Communication is the key to maintaining any relationship. Once the communication fails and you can't go to your partner with your concerns then there is no relationship. And if everytime you try to talk about something that concerns you they retaliate with something that they don't like about you, then the two of you are not communicating. You have to talk to each other to know each other.
4. You stop spending time with your friends.
Your relationship should be an addition to your life. It should not take you away from everything that you love. If your partner insists on monopolizing your time and keeping you from your friends and family, they are usually trying to keep you from realizing the crazy that is their world. It is in an effort to keep you solely dependent on them feeding their insecurities and draining you of your you.
5. You forego going out with your friends because he might call. Or, you cancel a date with your friends because he called to ask you out at the last minute.
So, a few years ago there was a female "friend" of mine who had invited me to her home for dinner and to go the the movies at a cool theatre in Oakland, CA. Because she tended to be a bit "flaky" I confirmed two to three times that day even calling as I was on my way to make sure that we were still on for hanging out. She said confirmed and said that she would wait for me to call to guide me from the highway to her home. That was the last we talked until I saw her about a year and a half later. She stood me up because some guy showed up and asked her to go out to dinner. Not healthy.
6. You are worried about your partner seeking attention from the opposite sex.
Now, this is all relative. It would be difficult to discern if this is just your "monster" or hers/his. None the less, it is a monster and if it rears its ugly head in your relationship, then that is unhealthy and the relationship may be unhealthy for you.
7. Sex is the beginning, the middle and the end.
If all you have is a physical connection then call it that. Now, this is only unhealthy if you are looking for more than the physical. If not, then more power to you.
8. Your partner doesn't respect your issues/demons and support you through ridding yourself of the hold.
We all have demons...traits that are unhealthy for us. Our loved ones should love us despite us but help us to improve through support and understanding. Caution: this is only if we are willing to deal with ourselves truthfully. Don't expect him/her to be around while you abuse their commitment to you.
9. He/she is verbally/emotionally/physically abusive.
Abuse comes in all kinds of forms and physical abuse may be more easily recognizable but emotional and verbal abuse can have a tendency to outlast the physical or to compound it. We must not allow for any abuses with regards to those that we love or that love us. We must respect ourselves enough to not accept the trash that others dish. And, this goes back to alienating ourselves from our friends, we must never fear talking to others that love us because there is nothing like a big brother, a loving mother, a sister's shoulder to cry on while the cousins kick his a*&....sorry, I got lost for a minute...but, you get it.
10. You are unhappy, unfulfilled, not growing, bored.
This is all for today. Feel free to add to the list.
Now, realizing that you are in an unhealthy relationship does not necessarily mean that you need to end said relationship. Relationships take work. So, it means that you have some work to do to get your relationship back on track to healthy. We will talk about that later.
Forgiveness
"He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you." Friedrich Nietzsche
So, I have been in my room reflecting. (See "Am I Sorry") And I have been thinking about Sigmund Freud's theory on projection. According to Freud, projection is a defense mechanism where an individual attribute's one's own undesirable traits or feelings to another. Thus, the cheater assumes that everyone else is dishonest and may accuse the other of cheating.
We "project" ourselves onto others and react to traits that we have given. We also give more emphasis to traits/characteristics that have been most bothersome to us. So, what we don't like most in others is a reflection of what we have not dealt with or accepted of ourselves. Following this logic, I have to realize that it is my own false sense of reality of self that puts a strain on my interactions with others. And although I don't completely subscribe to Freud's teachings, this one seems to have a bit of truth.
I don't like me in you...so, am I really completely happy with me. Well, yes but, there are definitely aspects of me that I work to develop into a more productive state. We all have unhealthy traits that we would like to live without and when we come across them in others, we are forced to see exactly how ugly they are in us.
So, this brings me to my true thoughts on forgiveness. If we are to truly let go of all feelings of resentment, indignation or anger for a perceived offense, difference or mistake of another, and if we are to let go of all urges for punishment or restitution...then we must first let go of our own guilt. We have to forgive ourselves. We have to accept that we are not perfect...no, we are each perfectly imperfect. We cannot hold the bar so high that even we have not been able to reach. Basically, we must accept the "ugly" within ourselves in order to "forgive" the ugly of others.
So, I have been in my room reflecting. (See "Am I Sorry") And I have been thinking about Sigmund Freud's theory on projection. According to Freud, projection is a defense mechanism where an individual attribute's one's own undesirable traits or feelings to another. Thus, the cheater assumes that everyone else is dishonest and may accuse the other of cheating.
We "project" ourselves onto others and react to traits that we have given. We also give more emphasis to traits/characteristics that have been most bothersome to us. So, what we don't like most in others is a reflection of what we have not dealt with or accepted of ourselves. Following this logic, I have to realize that it is my own false sense of reality of self that puts a strain on my interactions with others. And although I don't completely subscribe to Freud's teachings, this one seems to have a bit of truth.
I don't like me in you...so, am I really completely happy with me. Well, yes but, there are definitely aspects of me that I work to develop into a more productive state. We all have unhealthy traits that we would like to live without and when we come across them in others, we are forced to see exactly how ugly they are in us.
So, this brings me to my true thoughts on forgiveness. If we are to truly let go of all feelings of resentment, indignation or anger for a perceived offense, difference or mistake of another, and if we are to let go of all urges for punishment or restitution...then we must first let go of our own guilt. We have to forgive ourselves. We have to accept that we are not perfect...no, we are each perfectly imperfect. We cannot hold the bar so high that even we have not been able to reach. Basically, we must accept the "ugly" within ourselves in order to "forgive" the ugly of others.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Am I Sorry
It's not that I am not able to apologize, it is that I have a hard time apologizing for something that I did on purpose. It is not that I enjoy causing pain, discomfort or discord in my relationships. It is that, at times, I am okay with a little retaliatory vindication. I am not the only one. I am just the one that will admit it in public.
I am not a coldhearted individual with no regard for others. In fact, I have the highest regard such that I bite my tongue until it bleeds rivers, holding back in order not to inflict the irreversible pain of truth spoken.
I hold back because I know that what I am holding is the burden of your truth. It is what you have thought about, felt and doubted about yourself. It is the burden that I have lifted from you with my support, encouragement, and praise. Yet there comes a time, when I get so tired of carrying your burden that I explode and unleash days, months, years of truth that cut deeper than anything you can conjure in your fits of frustration.
It hurts like hell because you have felt it before
It is your truth
A truth that you have tried to avoid
And am I sorry for reminding you of your pain?
No.
My mother says that the burden of responsibility is on the stronger one...on the one that holds the truth. I am not hurt by your accusations/rants/mistakes because I know the truth about me. I am not hurt by what you say but, the fact that you say it is the cause of a momentary shift. But, apparently, I am wrong for digging to the depths of your pain and pulling out just what I know will shut you up for more than just a moment and keep you up even past the calming of the storm.
I say. Both are wrong. And although the vindication feels good for the moment, verbal abuses are not cured with even the most heartfelt apologies. And even though I believe it is the burden of the individual to not "dish what they cannot take"...it is wrong...but, am I sorry. Not yet.
We need to be careful who we fight, what fights we pick, and what weapons we choose.
Sorry has become an excuse to speak without thinking...to act without stopping first to consider the consequences. Sorry is used carelessly. It is thrown around like "good morning." It is used to end things. After all, what is left to say after the apology?
So, I have been criticized for an assumed inability to apologize. I do apologize when I am wrong. It just happens that I am rarely wrong (kidding). I am capable of true remorse. I simply don't believe in instant remorse for the sake of satisfaction of the other. I believe in "going to your room and thinking about it." Afterall, there are life lessons in our childhood.
From my childhood, I bring the need to take some time to think about "what I did". And your not talking to me is the impetus. It's the whooping my father would have given me, the standing in the corner or the back turned by my grandmother. Then, I go to my "room" and I process...I reflect.
So...am I sorry. No. But I will be tomorrow.
Think about it.
I am not a coldhearted individual with no regard for others. In fact, I have the highest regard such that I bite my tongue until it bleeds rivers, holding back in order not to inflict the irreversible pain of truth spoken.
I hold back because I know that what I am holding is the burden of your truth. It is what you have thought about, felt and doubted about yourself. It is the burden that I have lifted from you with my support, encouragement, and praise. Yet there comes a time, when I get so tired of carrying your burden that I explode and unleash days, months, years of truth that cut deeper than anything you can conjure in your fits of frustration.
It hurts like hell because you have felt it before
It is your truth
A truth that you have tried to avoid
And am I sorry for reminding you of your pain?
No.
My mother says that the burden of responsibility is on the stronger one...on the one that holds the truth. I am not hurt by your accusations/rants/mistakes because I know the truth about me. I am not hurt by what you say but, the fact that you say it is the cause of a momentary shift. But, apparently, I am wrong for digging to the depths of your pain and pulling out just what I know will shut you up for more than just a moment and keep you up even past the calming of the storm.
I say. Both are wrong. And although the vindication feels good for the moment, verbal abuses are not cured with even the most heartfelt apologies. And even though I believe it is the burden of the individual to not "dish what they cannot take"...it is wrong...but, am I sorry. Not yet.
We need to be careful who we fight, what fights we pick, and what weapons we choose.
Sorry has become an excuse to speak without thinking...to act without stopping first to consider the consequences. Sorry is used carelessly. It is thrown around like "good morning." It is used to end things. After all, what is left to say after the apology?
So, I have been criticized for an assumed inability to apologize. I do apologize when I am wrong. It just happens that I am rarely wrong (kidding). I am capable of true remorse. I simply don't believe in instant remorse for the sake of satisfaction of the other. I believe in "going to your room and thinking about it." Afterall, there are life lessons in our childhood.
From my childhood, I bring the need to take some time to think about "what I did". And your not talking to me is the impetus. It's the whooping my father would have given me, the standing in the corner or the back turned by my grandmother. Then, I go to my "room" and I process...I reflect.
So...am I sorry. No. But I will be tomorrow.
Think about it.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Redefined Soulmate
Today I am feeling lost in a sea of craziness that has been my life for the past few years. I have been in a relationship with the "anti-me". At a time in my life where I was happy to be going solo and had come to love myself quite dearly, I met a man that would change my life in very drastic ways.
We seemed destined to be forever. We moved quickly towards making a life together as if in some urgency we had to be bound to one another at that moment or our worlds would fall. We bypassed conventional wisdoms, wrapped ourselves in each other and enjoyed the illusion. Only we were disillusioned.
In reality, it was the wrong time. He was fresh out of a failed marriage and carrying the baggage of a bitter ex-wife and an angry/confused/hurt pre-teen daughter. He was not ready for what is/was me and I am not sure that I was really ready for what it meant to be with him.
I am coming to realize that the hopes of finding that one person that was meant for you are clouded by the fairytale endings of Cinderella, Snow White, and countless other children's stories. As young women, we were groomed to believe that our prince charming will be charming. He will ride in on his horse and take us away from our worries. He will rescue us and our lives will be forever charmed.
The problem is that there are no true "prince charmings". Oh, they are charming as they lay out their "resumes" and interview for the job. Yet, when they get the job, they soon start to take advantage of flex time, they resent their boss, and you realize that the resume is what they want to believe of themselves and what they want you to believe. In this, it is not really a lie. However, it should come with a disclaimer. The disclaimer could read: "This is me in a perfect world. But, when the world is not perfect, look out!"
Don't get me wrong. I am in no way bashing any particular gender. I am not intending this to be the rantings of a bitter woman scorned by missed opportunity, misunderstandings, miscommunications, missed connections, missing someone. This reasoning applies from both directions. Women are guilty of the non-disclaimer resume as well. After all, Prince Charming knew exactly what Snow White needed. She was laying there asleep. She didn't have to ask for a kiss. He just knew. We expect men to know what we are thinking, wanting, needing without having to express it. After all, if he is supposed to be for me, then I shouldn't have to explain me, right? Wrong!!!
This comes to the new definition of soulmate. It is not one someone that is out there waiting for us. There is not someone that has been sitting around all their life waiting for Kai to come by and sweep him off his feet. He has been experiencing life, has had his ups and downs, perhaps has children, scorned lovers, disowned friends, believed in loved, failed in loved, trusted, mistrusted, denied the truth, lived in a lie, lost a loved one, pushed away a loved one, shunned love. He has lived and may be able to see a new, everchanging life with a new if only given the opportunity to hear and be heard. Your soulmate is someone who will work with you (most of the time), against you a few times, for you all of the time. He/she is willing to put in the effort that it takes to move a relationship in and out of the honeymoon stage for the next 50+ years. Your soulmate is simply committed to being committed regardless of the moments of pain. This person realizes that those moments of pain can lead to growth and redefinition of what is and how it is to be truly loved, loving, committed.
So, my life has been changed. I have, from a faltered love, a beautiful baby boy, a newer understanding of self, new determination to grow, and a new definition of soulmate.
More tomorrow...not sure what the topic will be... ;)
We seemed destined to be forever. We moved quickly towards making a life together as if in some urgency we had to be bound to one another at that moment or our worlds would fall. We bypassed conventional wisdoms, wrapped ourselves in each other and enjoyed the illusion. Only we were disillusioned.
In reality, it was the wrong time. He was fresh out of a failed marriage and carrying the baggage of a bitter ex-wife and an angry/confused/hurt pre-teen daughter. He was not ready for what is/was me and I am not sure that I was really ready for what it meant to be with him.
I am coming to realize that the hopes of finding that one person that was meant for you are clouded by the fairytale endings of Cinderella, Snow White, and countless other children's stories. As young women, we were groomed to believe that our prince charming will be charming. He will ride in on his horse and take us away from our worries. He will rescue us and our lives will be forever charmed.
The problem is that there are no true "prince charmings". Oh, they are charming as they lay out their "resumes" and interview for the job. Yet, when they get the job, they soon start to take advantage of flex time, they resent their boss, and you realize that the resume is what they want to believe of themselves and what they want you to believe. In this, it is not really a lie. However, it should come with a disclaimer. The disclaimer could read: "This is me in a perfect world. But, when the world is not perfect, look out!"
Don't get me wrong. I am in no way bashing any particular gender. I am not intending this to be the rantings of a bitter woman scorned by missed opportunity, misunderstandings, miscommunications, missed connections, missing someone. This reasoning applies from both directions. Women are guilty of the non-disclaimer resume as well. After all, Prince Charming knew exactly what Snow White needed. She was laying there asleep. She didn't have to ask for a kiss. He just knew. We expect men to know what we are thinking, wanting, needing without having to express it. After all, if he is supposed to be for me, then I shouldn't have to explain me, right? Wrong!!!
This comes to the new definition of soulmate. It is not one someone that is out there waiting for us. There is not someone that has been sitting around all their life waiting for Kai to come by and sweep him off his feet. He has been experiencing life, has had his ups and downs, perhaps has children, scorned lovers, disowned friends, believed in loved, failed in loved, trusted, mistrusted, denied the truth, lived in a lie, lost a loved one, pushed away a loved one, shunned love. He has lived and may be able to see a new, everchanging life with a new if only given the opportunity to hear and be heard. Your soulmate is someone who will work with you (most of the time), against you a few times, for you all of the time. He/she is willing to put in the effort that it takes to move a relationship in and out of the honeymoon stage for the next 50+ years. Your soulmate is simply committed to being committed regardless of the moments of pain. This person realizes that those moments of pain can lead to growth and redefinition of what is and how it is to be truly loved, loving, committed.
So, my life has been changed. I have, from a faltered love, a beautiful baby boy, a newer understanding of self, new determination to grow, and a new definition of soulmate.
More tomorrow...not sure what the topic will be... ;)
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