I am perfect...perhaps just not for you.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Just a thought
Perfect for me is not perfect. It is just perfect for me and it most certainly doesn't need to be perfect for anyone else but me. It is, therefore, not necessary for me to explain or you to question. It would make life much easier if we just understood that our perfects may not be the same.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Punching Bag
So...how can you throw a punch and then stand there with a straight face and say that you are not fighting. You have definitely started the fight so don't be upset when the defender decides to fight back. It is, of course, not okay to go around throwing punches and is quite ridiculous to think that people are going to simply take your punch and keep on stepping or allow you to keep on stepping.
I guess the real issue is that you must be so used to throwing punches that you don't even recognize that your gloves are on. You don't know what a punch looks like now-a-days. Well, others do.
Well, when do you ever step out of the rink. Better yet, when do I.
I guess the real issue is that you must be so used to throwing punches that you don't even recognize that your gloves are on. You don't know what a punch looks like now-a-days. Well, others do.
Well, when do you ever step out of the rink. Better yet, when do I.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Mean Old lady
Yesterday it finally hit me why I am so quick to anger right now. I am fed up. Not with one particular person, with anybody that decides to come to me with crazy written all over their face and nothing but insane spewing from his or her mouth. I used to be able to say that I have "just about" had it with being disrespected (by anyone) or being ignored or whatever. But, now....I definitively say that "I have had it!" No "just about". I am in full force fed up...not going to even attempt to make sane the insane or reason with the unreasonable. And it is the straw that has broken this camels back.
I am fed up with the expected and thus accepted disregard and lack of appreciation of our teenage species. The thought that they are entitled to respect when they haven't even learned to dry behind their ears or flush the toilet properly. I have great kids by anyone's measure. They are great when compared to countless other teens that are doing far worse but, I don't have other teens living with me. I have mine and I measure them according to my expectations and not according to what everyone else is doing or not. So, when I bust my ass to do for them...put them in a wonderfully safe community...pay for their involvement in all kinds of activities...sacrifice my time, energy, total being and comfort for the sake of their having rich and very fulfilled lives, they better not have an issue with anything I ask them to do.
The other day I asked my son to let me use his boombox and he had the nerve to tell me that I can use it if I get it because he doesn't feel like unplugging all of the wires. Fine...if not feeling like it is a justifiable reason for not doing something then, I don't have to do a damn thing anymore...Because I definitely don't feel like coming home and cooking him dinner...I am not hungry. I don't feel like letting him use my car to get to work, internship, friends' homes...take a bus. I don't feel like waking him up for school...That's what alarm clocks are for. But, good thing that I have good kids because after a week of me not feeling like it he felt like coming correct and is working on redemption.
My precious daughter is another story. She is on the cheerleading squad and is responsible for fundraising and raffle ticket sales. The other day...right after my son's "other day" I was on my way home from picking up items from someone donating to her team's rummage sale. It took me a bit longer than expected to pick the things up...one because I wasn't rushing and two, because my friend didn't have all of the things put together waiting for her rummage sale. On my way home, I told her what had taken so long and she had the nerve to ask me why I hadn't called before that day so that he would have known about the sale earlier. Now, remember, this is not my thing...it is hers. I call myself helping her out and instead of a "thank you mom", I get a "that wasn't good enough". So, I am done...If she doesn't do it, it is not done and she does not earn the money to be on the team.
It is not just the kids, though. It is work. The pushy guy at the grocery store. The ignorant clerk at the department store. The person who cuts me off in traffic. I sit and breath and remind myself to not let it get to me. I watch this movie...my movie...the one that I must be in as this life is entirely too comical to be real...and I don't let it bother me...I think. Until, the coach of the team tells me that Dads who pick up rummage sale items get credit for their cheerleaders but, I don't. What the ??? My daughter doesn't have a DAD in the house. So, does this mean that when I pick up something that a DAD should have gotten I don't get credit. Damn it. I am a single mom so I am DAD. I won't go on about this now...but, definitely in another post.
Point is...yes, I am finally getting to the real point...I just got it. I just realized that the mean old man on the block used to be some pretty nice guy. The mean old lady used to be the one everyone loved to be around and who loved to do for everyone. She held her head high in the face of adversity. She perservered despite any barriers. She survived but, at the cost of losing her sweetness because somewhere along the line she got fed up with everyone else's crazy.
I understand her bitterness...not that it is okay...but, I definitely get it.
I am fed up with the expected and thus accepted disregard and lack of appreciation of our teenage species. The thought that they are entitled to respect when they haven't even learned to dry behind their ears or flush the toilet properly. I have great kids by anyone's measure. They are great when compared to countless other teens that are doing far worse but, I don't have other teens living with me. I have mine and I measure them according to my expectations and not according to what everyone else is doing or not. So, when I bust my ass to do for them...put them in a wonderfully safe community...pay for their involvement in all kinds of activities...sacrifice my time, energy, total being and comfort for the sake of their having rich and very fulfilled lives, they better not have an issue with anything I ask them to do.
The other day I asked my son to let me use his boombox and he had the nerve to tell me that I can use it if I get it because he doesn't feel like unplugging all of the wires. Fine...if not feeling like it is a justifiable reason for not doing something then, I don't have to do a damn thing anymore...Because I definitely don't feel like coming home and cooking him dinner...I am not hungry. I don't feel like letting him use my car to get to work, internship, friends' homes...take a bus. I don't feel like waking him up for school...That's what alarm clocks are for. But, good thing that I have good kids because after a week of me not feeling like it he felt like coming correct and is working on redemption.
My precious daughter is another story. She is on the cheerleading squad and is responsible for fundraising and raffle ticket sales. The other day...right after my son's "other day" I was on my way home from picking up items from someone donating to her team's rummage sale. It took me a bit longer than expected to pick the things up...one because I wasn't rushing and two, because my friend didn't have all of the things put together waiting for her rummage sale. On my way home, I told her what had taken so long and she had the nerve to ask me why I hadn't called before that day so that he would have known about the sale earlier. Now, remember, this is not my thing...it is hers. I call myself helping her out and instead of a "thank you mom", I get a "that wasn't good enough". So, I am done...If she doesn't do it, it is not done and she does not earn the money to be on the team.
It is not just the kids, though. It is work. The pushy guy at the grocery store. The ignorant clerk at the department store. The person who cuts me off in traffic. I sit and breath and remind myself to not let it get to me. I watch this movie...my movie...the one that I must be in as this life is entirely too comical to be real...and I don't let it bother me...I think. Until, the coach of the team tells me that Dads who pick up rummage sale items get credit for their cheerleaders but, I don't. What the ??? My daughter doesn't have a DAD in the house. So, does this mean that when I pick up something that a DAD should have gotten I don't get credit. Damn it. I am a single mom so I am DAD. I won't go on about this now...but, definitely in another post.
Point is...yes, I am finally getting to the real point...I just got it. I just realized that the mean old man on the block used to be some pretty nice guy. The mean old lady used to be the one everyone loved to be around and who loved to do for everyone. She held her head high in the face of adversity. She perservered despite any barriers. She survived but, at the cost of losing her sweetness because somewhere along the line she got fed up with everyone else's crazy.
I understand her bitterness...not that it is okay...but, I definitely get it.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Phew! Big Head Baby
Today, although I am caught in my constant thoughts about too many things, I am relaxing with the relief of a visit to the pediatric neurosurgeon after two weeks of intense concern over the well being of my precious little perfect.
My son has a big head. I noticed in-utero when his face took up the whole frame of the ultrasound photo. Of course, it was laughed off as the crazy concerns of a very hormonal pregnant woman. I was assured that although my child's head was measuring a bit on the bigger side, there was no need for concern. No one knew but, I kept looking back at that photo and kept concern within an arm's reach.
Although my Perfect's birth was quite easy in comparison to the screaming woman and man down the hall or the hours of labor and countless hours of pushing of many whose story I've heard, his head looked rather funny after being squeezed together to come down the birth canal. He had an indentation in the middle of his forehead as if his skull had sort of folded to make it out. With a dent in his head that probably only my eyes noticed, my son was beautiful and absolutely perfect...big head and all. However, with concern still at an arm's reach, I watched as, over the days, his dent faded.
My Perfect Precious was a big boy and although babies' heads are always disproportionate with regards to the size of their bodies, I began to find concern again when the doctor started remeasuring the head circumference at his well baby checks. The nurse would take all vitals...weight...length...head circumference. Then the doctor would come in and take head circumference. So, I asked what any attentive parent would ask..."why are you re-measuring his head?" I was told that the measurement was a bit on the big side so he was just double checking to make sure that the nurse got it right. This satisfied me the first time. But, after another 1 or 2 visits with the head always being measured twice, I pushed further. I wanted to know that there was nothing making my Precious' head grow larger than whatever other percentage of the population of babies his age, height, and weight.
Luckily, my doctor listens to my concerns and ordered an ultrasound of his head. The ultrasound came back with nothing. There were no indications of abnormality. Nothing to raise any red flags. Nothing to warrant pushing any further.
That was about 8 mths ago. Well, two weeks ago at the baby's 18mth well baby check, his head measured "off of the charts". His head measured larger than approximately every baby his age, height and weight. Concern came to visit again...only this time it paid a visit to the doctor and to dad. So, the Perfect was referred to a pediatric neurosurgeon who ordered a CT scan of his head.
In my world...a concerned mother is not to be reckoned with. The CT scan was scheduled on Tuesday...the results were read on Wednesday. His doctor informed us that the radiologist had questioned whether the ventricles in his brain were larger than normal. This would be a sign of pressure in the brain as a result of too much fluid. The condition is known as hydrocephaly and although not fatal (if addressed), a shunt would most likely have to be inserted to drain fluid from the brain. Once a shunt is put in place, he would have to have it for the rest of his life. Although shunts are common, they do carry a certain amount of risks...malfunctions...too much fluid drained...not enough fluid drain...There is a delicate balance.
All of this and I was supposed to wait until the doctor's office called to make an appoitment. Once again, a concerned mom is not to be reckoned with. I don't wait. Not even on a good day do I find it easy to wait. So, I didn't wait. I picked up the phone and called the doctor's office and after a day of messages...repeat calls....busy lines...one receptionist...then another...then the physician's assistant...A doctor's appointment was set for the next day. And that is a good thing...because in this 24 hour period from results to waiting, the Perfect had already been diagnosed by google and youtube and panic and stress.
At this point of concern, I had no room for emotional distress. But, what I did have room for was an understanding that despite any imperfections, my son is perfect. He is a perfect little charm when he showers me with kisses and then pushing me away as if to say, "ok...that is enough for now." He is perfect when he mimics my moves putting his hand on his back because he can't find his hips or crossing his legs and leaning on his outstretched arm as if he is just "chilling" and waiting for me to finish whatever it is I am doing. He is perfect when he fusses with correct tone and emphasis on syllables of words that only he understands. He is perfect when we yells at me in sign language. He is perfect in every way. This was decided at conception...Not that I was stuck in the disillusion of no risks of pregnancy after age 35...only that regardless of anything...he would be perfectly mine...perfectly himself - whatever that meant.
So, with the knowledge that my beautiful boy was perfect...we headed to the neurosurgeon on Friday anxious to know the next steps. Relaxed in the knowing that the unknown was insignificant, we waited to meet with the doctor. After exam and review of medical history...growth chart...CT scan...we found out that we had a Perfect Big Head Baby.
I don't know what the radiologist was thinking or if it was one that specialized in pediatric brains or one with little experience in the area. We were assured that based on numerous markers, my Precious Perfect had a perfectly normal brain with no concern for hydrocephaly or anything else at this time. There are no further steps. No followups necessary. And although I was assured that there was no need for further concern, we all know that concern is only a breath away.
And now I can relax knowing that I pushed and will push again and again and again for as long as is necessary to get answers.
But, right now I can breathe....at least for the moment.
My son has a big head. I noticed in-utero when his face took up the whole frame of the ultrasound photo. Of course, it was laughed off as the crazy concerns of a very hormonal pregnant woman. I was assured that although my child's head was measuring a bit on the bigger side, there was no need for concern. No one knew but, I kept looking back at that photo and kept concern within an arm's reach.
Although my Perfect's birth was quite easy in comparison to the screaming woman and man down the hall or the hours of labor and countless hours of pushing of many whose story I've heard, his head looked rather funny after being squeezed together to come down the birth canal. He had an indentation in the middle of his forehead as if his skull had sort of folded to make it out. With a dent in his head that probably only my eyes noticed, my son was beautiful and absolutely perfect...big head and all. However, with concern still at an arm's reach, I watched as, over the days, his dent faded.
My Perfect Precious was a big boy and although babies' heads are always disproportionate with regards to the size of their bodies, I began to find concern again when the doctor started remeasuring the head circumference at his well baby checks. The nurse would take all vitals...weight...length...head circumference. Then the doctor would come in and take head circumference. So, I asked what any attentive parent would ask..."why are you re-measuring his head?" I was told that the measurement was a bit on the big side so he was just double checking to make sure that the nurse got it right. This satisfied me the first time. But, after another 1 or 2 visits with the head always being measured twice, I pushed further. I wanted to know that there was nothing making my Precious' head grow larger than whatever other percentage of the population of babies his age, height, and weight.
Luckily, my doctor listens to my concerns and ordered an ultrasound of his head. The ultrasound came back with nothing. There were no indications of abnormality. Nothing to raise any red flags. Nothing to warrant pushing any further.
That was about 8 mths ago. Well, two weeks ago at the baby's 18mth well baby check, his head measured "off of the charts". His head measured larger than approximately every baby his age, height and weight. Concern came to visit again...only this time it paid a visit to the doctor and to dad. So, the Perfect was referred to a pediatric neurosurgeon who ordered a CT scan of his head.
In my world...a concerned mother is not to be reckoned with. The CT scan was scheduled on Tuesday...the results were read on Wednesday. His doctor informed us that the radiologist had questioned whether the ventricles in his brain were larger than normal. This would be a sign of pressure in the brain as a result of too much fluid. The condition is known as hydrocephaly and although not fatal (if addressed), a shunt would most likely have to be inserted to drain fluid from the brain. Once a shunt is put in place, he would have to have it for the rest of his life. Although shunts are common, they do carry a certain amount of risks...malfunctions...too much fluid drained...not enough fluid drain...There is a delicate balance.
All of this and I was supposed to wait until the doctor's office called to make an appoitment. Once again, a concerned mom is not to be reckoned with. I don't wait. Not even on a good day do I find it easy to wait. So, I didn't wait. I picked up the phone and called the doctor's office and after a day of messages...repeat calls....busy lines...one receptionist...then another...then the physician's assistant...A doctor's appointment was set for the next day. And that is a good thing...because in this 24 hour period from results to waiting, the Perfect had already been diagnosed by google and youtube and panic and stress.
At this point of concern, I had no room for emotional distress. But, what I did have room for was an understanding that despite any imperfections, my son is perfect. He is a perfect little charm when he showers me with kisses and then pushing me away as if to say, "ok...that is enough for now." He is perfect when he mimics my moves putting his hand on his back because he can't find his hips or crossing his legs and leaning on his outstretched arm as if he is just "chilling" and waiting for me to finish whatever it is I am doing. He is perfect when he fusses with correct tone and emphasis on syllables of words that only he understands. He is perfect when we yells at me in sign language. He is perfect in every way. This was decided at conception...Not that I was stuck in the disillusion of no risks of pregnancy after age 35...only that regardless of anything...he would be perfectly mine...perfectly himself - whatever that meant.
So, with the knowledge that my beautiful boy was perfect...we headed to the neurosurgeon on Friday anxious to know the next steps. Relaxed in the knowing that the unknown was insignificant, we waited to meet with the doctor. After exam and review of medical history...growth chart...CT scan...we found out that we had a Perfect Big Head Baby.
I don't know what the radiologist was thinking or if it was one that specialized in pediatric brains or one with little experience in the area. We were assured that based on numerous markers, my Precious Perfect had a perfectly normal brain with no concern for hydrocephaly or anything else at this time. There are no further steps. No followups necessary. And although I was assured that there was no need for further concern, we all know that concern is only a breath away.
And now I can relax knowing that I pushed and will push again and again and again for as long as is necessary to get answers.
But, right now I can breathe....at least for the moment.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
What do you think about this?
So, I have been away for a moment. Not on a trip just away from an ability to sit with my thoughts. I have been so busy and enjoying it but, have missed my expression of self. So, I am back. I know you have missed me as well so don't worry, I won't stay away for long again.
My thoughts right now are with the case being reviewed by the Supreme Court this week which involves the strip search of the 13 year old Arizona girl about 6 years ago. This came to my attention the other night as I was following my nightly routine of catching up with the news via radio. At first hear, I was appalled. I could not believe that this young girl, Savana Redding, had been violated in this way and there were some that were justifying the act.
It was amazing to me that school officials found it prudent to strip search a 13 year old honor roll student who had never been at the receiving end of any school reprimands or committed any prior infractions. I was, however, also amazed that the girl actually took off her clothes. Now, I understand authority of adults and school officials (from the child's perspective). In this situation, a scared child was faced with a definite abuse of that authority and did what fear dictated she do. I have just always had a different "understanding" of school authority.
The authority most important to me was that which I always felt given to me to protect me. My mother did not advocate disobedience. Yet, she advocated self-protection. In my mind, when the two conflict, I err on the side of self-protection and deal with the consequences of my actions later. I was known to have challenged my fair share of teachers and/or principals. I am sure that my mother got tired of visiting the principal's office or having a teacher conference because Kai felt wronged. However, she did it and all things were settled in the presence of my ultimate protector - MOM.
Where was this child's mom? Well, she wasn't even called to be made aware of the situation prior to school officials ordering the child to disrobe. Unbelievable! I made note to have a talk with my girl (soon to be 15). I want her to understand that simply being a teacher does not make you in the right at all times. Under no circumstances is she to ever undress for a strip search. Under NO circumstances. She has the power to refuse as I have passed that sword onto her to protect herself in the face of those that have perceived authority. Her authority over herself takes precedence.
If my child is to be strip searched...Damn it...you are going to have to strip her yourself. And, that would open a whole other can of worms. And believe you me...that can is better left sealed.
With all of that said...and my daughter aware that she has the right and responsibility to protect self even when those who are charged with her protection fail her in the name of protection of the community...I am able to process this a little further.
So what she was an honor roll student! So what she had never been in trouble before! Smart kids do stupid things and often get away with them because no one suspects the smart kid. Good kids do bad things - and get away with it because no one suspects the good kid. Read the book Beautiful Boy. This young man had it all together and was living the life. Only, he was strung out on drugs. In this day and age, we can't put anything past anybody. That is the saddest part.
What if drugs (Advil) were found on this girl? What if she did have it in her bra? Would her mother be so angry or would she appreciate the discovery and seek help for her daughter? (I know its only Advil but I'm just saying...if she were distributing it like a dealer then she would need some kind of help)
So here's the thing:
She was "prosecuted" based on hearsay.
Her mother was neither present or aware of situation.
Nothing was found.
More importantly: Did they strip search the girl who accused Savana of "Dealing"?
In the end...I hope the Supreme Court errs on the side of the child and not on the concept that it is ok to sacrifice one if the others will benefit. Especially when that one is an innocent child.
After review and process...I still empower my child to protect herself and call her mom.
What is your take?
My thoughts right now are with the case being reviewed by the Supreme Court this week which involves the strip search of the 13 year old Arizona girl about 6 years ago. This came to my attention the other night as I was following my nightly routine of catching up with the news via radio. At first hear, I was appalled. I could not believe that this young girl, Savana Redding, had been violated in this way and there were some that were justifying the act.
It was amazing to me that school officials found it prudent to strip search a 13 year old honor roll student who had never been at the receiving end of any school reprimands or committed any prior infractions. I was, however, also amazed that the girl actually took off her clothes. Now, I understand authority of adults and school officials (from the child's perspective). In this situation, a scared child was faced with a definite abuse of that authority and did what fear dictated she do. I have just always had a different "understanding" of school authority.
The authority most important to me was that which I always felt given to me to protect me. My mother did not advocate disobedience. Yet, she advocated self-protection. In my mind, when the two conflict, I err on the side of self-protection and deal with the consequences of my actions later. I was known to have challenged my fair share of teachers and/or principals. I am sure that my mother got tired of visiting the principal's office or having a teacher conference because Kai felt wronged. However, she did it and all things were settled in the presence of my ultimate protector - MOM.
Where was this child's mom? Well, she wasn't even called to be made aware of the situation prior to school officials ordering the child to disrobe. Unbelievable! I made note to have a talk with my girl (soon to be 15). I want her to understand that simply being a teacher does not make you in the right at all times. Under no circumstances is she to ever undress for a strip search. Under NO circumstances. She has the power to refuse as I have passed that sword onto her to protect herself in the face of those that have perceived authority. Her authority over herself takes precedence.
If my child is to be strip searched...Damn it...you are going to have to strip her yourself. And, that would open a whole other can of worms. And believe you me...that can is better left sealed.
With all of that said...and my daughter aware that she has the right and responsibility to protect self even when those who are charged with her protection fail her in the name of protection of the community...I am able to process this a little further.
So what she was an honor roll student! So what she had never been in trouble before! Smart kids do stupid things and often get away with them because no one suspects the smart kid. Good kids do bad things - and get away with it because no one suspects the good kid. Read the book Beautiful Boy. This young man had it all together and was living the life. Only, he was strung out on drugs. In this day and age, we can't put anything past anybody. That is the saddest part.
What if drugs (Advil) were found on this girl? What if she did have it in her bra? Would her mother be so angry or would she appreciate the discovery and seek help for her daughter? (I know its only Advil but I'm just saying...if she were distributing it like a dealer then she would need some kind of help)
So here's the thing:
She was "prosecuted" based on hearsay.
Her mother was neither present or aware of situation.
Nothing was found.
More importantly: Did they strip search the girl who accused Savana of "Dealing"?
In the end...I hope the Supreme Court errs on the side of the child and not on the concept that it is ok to sacrifice one if the others will benefit. Especially when that one is an innocent child.
After review and process...I still empower my child to protect herself and call her mom.
What is your take?
Friday, March 20, 2009
Me First
We sat in our seats on our way to the Bahamas with everyone I considered important at the time. I knew how much my mother had worked to make it happen for the 9 people that made up our traveling party. So, when the flight attendant told her "In the event of an emergency, make sure you secure your mask first." I didn't understand. My mother sacrifices everything for me and my siblings. And as a mother, she would surely give her life such that the life of one of her children be saved. So, why would she leave me gasping for air...suffocating...while she secures her mask? Why would she not make sure that I could breathe first? I was a child and as bright as I was the bulb dimmed on this one for a moment. And I must honestly say that I don't remember when I realized that she would not be able to secure breathing for me if she was not breathing. But, when I learn my lessons I really learn my lessons.
I have carried the concept of me first into my adulthood. Sometimes seen as selfishness, it is anything but. My focus on me does not represent a disinterest in you. It represents a determination to attend to myself in order that I am better able to be attentive to you. I take care of me in order to be there for you.
I am not the mother that will dress her children in designer clothes, the latest shoes, ipods, smartphones and new hairdos while I look like a "raggamuffin". I used to understand but, resent that my mother would shop at Saks Fifth Avenue for herself and Ventures or Payless for her children. But, now I get it. She put her mask on first so that she could later put on our masks. She had to dress the part of corporate america and in order to succeed, she needed to look like she belonged. If she belonged, she won the contract, we lived in a beautiful home and had what we needed.
So, I will buy my designer jeans at a few hundred each because I fit. I fit with the other models with whom I compete. I look the part and am thus booked for more parts. I buy my jeans. I book the gig. I buy their jeans (on sale, of course).
I take care of myself first...in order that I may take care of my children. I may one day have to sacrifice my life for my children and in many ways have already done such. After all I can gaurantee you that I would not be where I am were it not for the needs of my three most precious possesions. Yet, as much as I am willing to sacrifice, it serves no good if I sacrifice my "self".
Selfish mom/friend or loving mom/friend? You decide. But, in my mind it will always be Me First!!!
I have carried the concept of me first into my adulthood. Sometimes seen as selfishness, it is anything but. My focus on me does not represent a disinterest in you. It represents a determination to attend to myself in order that I am better able to be attentive to you. I take care of me in order to be there for you.
I am not the mother that will dress her children in designer clothes, the latest shoes, ipods, smartphones and new hairdos while I look like a "raggamuffin". I used to understand but, resent that my mother would shop at Saks Fifth Avenue for herself and Ventures or Payless for her children. But, now I get it. She put her mask on first so that she could later put on our masks. She had to dress the part of corporate america and in order to succeed, she needed to look like she belonged. If she belonged, she won the contract, we lived in a beautiful home and had what we needed.
So, I will buy my designer jeans at a few hundred each because I fit. I fit with the other models with whom I compete. I look the part and am thus booked for more parts. I buy my jeans. I book the gig. I buy their jeans (on sale, of course).
I take care of myself first...in order that I may take care of my children. I may one day have to sacrifice my life for my children and in many ways have already done such. After all I can gaurantee you that I would not be where I am were it not for the needs of my three most precious possesions. Yet, as much as I am willing to sacrifice, it serves no good if I sacrifice my "self".
Selfish mom/friend or loving mom/friend? You decide. But, in my mind it will always be Me First!!!
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Maybe I am Wrong
I am a firm believer of what I believe and pride myself on knowing what I know. Yet, I am finding myself pulling back and passing the buck. I am the one that people come to for advice on relationships, family, kids, babies, punishments (there I go with the lists) and I am finding that I don't want to be the one to give the advice. I don't want to have the answers or know the right/ethical way to handle an issue. I don't want to be expected to know where to look for the definiton...we all have dictionaries.
Because...maybe I am wrong. Maybe he is right for you regardless of how many times you have tried to make the relationship work. Maybe another try is just what you and she need. Maybe others don't receive you the way I perceive you and you don't need to make any adjustments to your personality or presence. Maybe I am wrong in my assumptions or understandings. Perhaps your design doesn't need to be tweaked to meet composition norms or your resume is fine how it is.
From my perspective I am right. However, I embrace the idea that there is more than one perspective. There is more than one way of looking at things and if I truly believe that there is some truth in all sides of the story then I have to follow that with an understanding that I Just Might Be Wrong!
Now, if I apply this reasoning to you...then there is an equal possibility that you are not without fault/guilt in assuming that you have the answers. And there is a possibility, no matter how slight, that you, too...JUST MIGHT BE WRONG!
Because...maybe I am wrong. Maybe he is right for you regardless of how many times you have tried to make the relationship work. Maybe another try is just what you and she need. Maybe others don't receive you the way I perceive you and you don't need to make any adjustments to your personality or presence. Maybe I am wrong in my assumptions or understandings. Perhaps your design doesn't need to be tweaked to meet composition norms or your resume is fine how it is.
From my perspective I am right. However, I embrace the idea that there is more than one perspective. There is more than one way of looking at things and if I truly believe that there is some truth in all sides of the story then I have to follow that with an understanding that I Just Might Be Wrong!
Now, if I apply this reasoning to you...then there is an equal possibility that you are not without fault/guilt in assuming that you have the answers. And there is a possibility, no matter how slight, that you, too...JUST MIGHT BE WRONG!
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Beauty in the Eye Of
I am a model and have been for longer than I can remember at this point. It was never my goal to become a model. I remember wanting to be an international lawyer traveling the world and being well respected in corporate circles. There would be business meetings with tailored suits and galas with sequined dresses and a cocktail in my hand. I would be married and have a nanny for my 11 children. I didn't really put much into who or what my husband would be and I sometimes wonder if I knew then that I would be a single mom. Regardless, I was not a model...I was a business woman.
Now, I am a model. At some point, someone decided that the skinny, flat chested, full lipped Kai should be on a runway. Actually, I suppose I don't blame them. My mother taught me how to walk...to move as if I am proud of me and know where I am going. My head is held high. My back is straight. My stomach is held strong to support my core. My shoulders are unslumped. I am tall and thin and determined to be seen. Yet, I don't want to be seen on the superficial level, I want to be truly seen and heard and respected for my sometimes quirky outlook.
I am a model. Seen for beauty first where my eyes don't always see beauty. I am a model and yet, I have not always been a witness to my own beauty and therefore find it difficult to accept the complement of being a model. I find myself in a room with absolutely gorgeous women and sometimes wonder what the hell I am doing there. I feel like the outsider. The one that got in through some sort of quota...they just needed one like me.
I am a model yet, I am not a model. Modeling is what I do. I don't want to be defined by what you think of models. I want to be defined by my contributions to others, my love for my family, devotion to friends, educational accomplishments, my perseverance, my internal strength....not by an outward beauty that I don't see. I want to witness me.
Funny thing is that it never bothered me that I wasn't the gorgeous one. I was content with being average. And the other day I was speaking to a friend from high school who, after seeing my picture, told me that she "doesn't remember me being that pretty." I told her my most heartfelt truth..."Neither do I".
But, when I least expect it I get a glimpse of that fine ass sistah in the mirror. And I see.
Now, I am a model. At some point, someone decided that the skinny, flat chested, full lipped Kai should be on a runway. Actually, I suppose I don't blame them. My mother taught me how to walk...to move as if I am proud of me and know where I am going. My head is held high. My back is straight. My stomach is held strong to support my core. My shoulders are unslumped. I am tall and thin and determined to be seen. Yet, I don't want to be seen on the superficial level, I want to be truly seen and heard and respected for my sometimes quirky outlook.
I am a model. Seen for beauty first where my eyes don't always see beauty. I am a model and yet, I have not always been a witness to my own beauty and therefore find it difficult to accept the complement of being a model. I find myself in a room with absolutely gorgeous women and sometimes wonder what the hell I am doing there. I feel like the outsider. The one that got in through some sort of quota...they just needed one like me.
I am a model yet, I am not a model. Modeling is what I do. I don't want to be defined by what you think of models. I want to be defined by my contributions to others, my love for my family, devotion to friends, educational accomplishments, my perseverance, my internal strength....not by an outward beauty that I don't see. I want to witness me.
Funny thing is that it never bothered me that I wasn't the gorgeous one. I was content with being average. And the other day I was speaking to a friend from high school who, after seeing my picture, told me that she "doesn't remember me being that pretty." I told her my most heartfelt truth..."Neither do I".
But, when I least expect it I get a glimpse of that fine ass sistah in the mirror. And I see.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Simple Complexity
Just a quick thought before I go to bed as I am concerned that some of you reading my posts may get the idea that I am not completely aware of the complexity of some issues about which I speak. So, to clear the record and relieve a few I wanted to make it clear that I am sometimes frustrated by the simplest part of a very complex issue.
For example, I know the trickle down effect of decisions made that have led to the economic woes of today. I understand that it is a far reaching tragedy that has an impact on ALL Americans and not just the homeowning ones (yes, homeowning is a new word in the Dictionary of Kai Volume 1, 3rd Edition).
I understand the tightened credit market that is forcing businesses to close; the unemployment and jobless record highs; the layoffs and cutbacks. And, I understand that all that are losing their homes did not buy in the time of easy credit and no down payments. There are certainly those that are losing their homes because they have lost their jobs because their company has closed because they couldn't keep up with demand because they weren't able to maintain inventory because their credit was reduced or frozen because far too many people were defaulting on loans because far too many received loans that they shouldn't have gotten because banks took risks and those risks didn't pay off which led to people defaulting, tightening credit, no inventory, slow sales, layoffs, cutbacks, no money to pay the mortgage, foreclosures. Basically, I get it. And in the end; in a moment of frustration with the failed and failing economy, I don't want to hear about rescuing people who shouldn't have signed on that damn dotted line regardless of what the banks were willing to offer. I get it....AND I still get frustrated. (Just not at everyone)
Friday, February 27, 2009
Photography
I often catch myself saying that I do photography as opposed to saying that I am a photographer. I am struggling with understanding why there is a part of me that refuses to acknowledge the fullness of my artistic talents. I am not able to own the relationship with my camera as equal to those that can speak the technical jargon of seasoned photographers. I do understand that the camera captures what the eye sees. But I see an ability in others to create with the eye of the camera that which the mind sees. I am in awe of that ability to invoke in me thoughts of dreams and emotional realities through the photojournalistic representation of "a day in the life of" whomever. Yet, with each viewing of someone's work I am so compelled to pick up my own camera and enjoy the capture of a moment and the creative eye with which I see the simplicity that I transgress my creative boundaries; I am, in that moment, a photographer and I accept it even if only for a moment.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Pay My Bills
The more I hear about this stimulus package (everyday), the more I am enraged with the thought that someone's irresponsibility has become my problem. The fact that we are now bailing out Americans that foolishly signed on the dotted line to purchase a home that they knew they could not afford is just insane. Everyone knew of the housing bubble, knew that it would burst at some point and gambled on being able to get as much as they could before it happened. Some did. Some purchased homes, held onto them for a year or two and sold for significant gain (sometimes into the hundreds of thousands). Those were the smart ones...they recognized a good thing such as low interest rates, no down payment, interest only loans and bought and sold before the market could go sour. Great investors and kudos to those.
However, many were average everyday Americans who, in a different market, could not afford the home they purchased. They couldn't settle for the modest home that would fit their needs but, not their fantasies. Some, actually far too many, purchased way more home than they needed on the hopes that they could refinance once the interest only period expired and with increase in value they would benefit from a large cushion of equity. Some of these loans qualified people on their ability to pay the interest only payment, not the full note. As interest rates were low, this was perfect and payments were better than renting in some cases. I know, I sold some of those loans.
I know that people had to know what they were getting into because there is an obligation of disclosure. I explained, explained and explained again in order that my clients knew. They were given information to read and advised to do their own due diligence. This is not to say that every loan consultant or mortgage broker or bank did as I did. Yet, it is still the responsibility of the signer to know what they are signing and the buyer to know what they are buying. (FYI, no shady deals on my record)
I didn't buy. I didn't take that gamble. I didn't because I read the papers, paid attention to the economists, heard the financial advisors. The bubble was sure to burst. And it did. I am still in my apartment that I hate. I don't have a mortgage but, now I have to help you pay yours.
I am afraid that as much as I am not a republican, I am with the republicans on this matter. Loss needs to be an unfortunate consequence that those idiots who bought homes way out of their budget feel. They were living in apartment prior and can certainly move back into one. We are not saving people from homelessness, we are saving them from houselessness.
Frankly if the reason is that the banks were wrong for giving them the loans, then let's use that reasoning with my student loans. Tell me why I owe enough money to have become a doctor. The schools allowed me to take out extra money, the banks gave it to me. So, since I didn't know better at 19, it is not fair that I have to pay my student loans. How about we add that to the stimulus.
Let me add that I do understand the need for money to flow, banks to lend, credit loosened, etc. However, I am tired of it being spun into a concern for people losing their homes. Again, pay for my ignorance...I will send you the notes.
And after hearing that part of the stimulus money goes to Filipino veterans I am simply bothered by the bill that we (as a country) are now carrying. Just for the record, I have nothing against Filipino vets and more power to you for getting your share. However, I just can't get completely on board with this being a part of a "stimulus" package.
However, many were average everyday Americans who, in a different market, could not afford the home they purchased. They couldn't settle for the modest home that would fit their needs but, not their fantasies. Some, actually far too many, purchased way more home than they needed on the hopes that they could refinance once the interest only period expired and with increase in value they would benefit from a large cushion of equity. Some of these loans qualified people on their ability to pay the interest only payment, not the full note. As interest rates were low, this was perfect and payments were better than renting in some cases. I know, I sold some of those loans.
I know that people had to know what they were getting into because there is an obligation of disclosure. I explained, explained and explained again in order that my clients knew. They were given information to read and advised to do their own due diligence. This is not to say that every loan consultant or mortgage broker or bank did as I did. Yet, it is still the responsibility of the signer to know what they are signing and the buyer to know what they are buying. (FYI, no shady deals on my record)
I didn't buy. I didn't take that gamble. I didn't because I read the papers, paid attention to the economists, heard the financial advisors. The bubble was sure to burst. And it did. I am still in my apartment that I hate. I don't have a mortgage but, now I have to help you pay yours.
I am afraid that as much as I am not a republican, I am with the republicans on this matter. Loss needs to be an unfortunate consequence that those idiots who bought homes way out of their budget feel. They were living in apartment prior and can certainly move back into one. We are not saving people from homelessness, we are saving them from houselessness.
Frankly if the reason is that the banks were wrong for giving them the loans, then let's use that reasoning with my student loans. Tell me why I owe enough money to have become a doctor. The schools allowed me to take out extra money, the banks gave it to me. So, since I didn't know better at 19, it is not fair that I have to pay my student loans. How about we add that to the stimulus.
Let me add that I do understand the need for money to flow, banks to lend, credit loosened, etc. However, I am tired of it being spun into a concern for people losing their homes. Again, pay for my ignorance...I will send you the notes.
And after hearing that part of the stimulus money goes to Filipino veterans I am simply bothered by the bill that we (as a country) are now carrying. Just for the record, I have nothing against Filipino vets and more power to you for getting your share. However, I just can't get completely on board with this being a part of a "stimulus" package.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Following Directions
What is so difficult about following directions? Was this not a focus of testing in elementary school where the teacher made you sit with your hands crossed on your desk while she read a ten minute explanation of how to fill in the little bubbles and turn the pages...as if bubble filling and page turning was really that difficult. Perhaps it is our focus on speed and instant access that causes people to "skip" the introductions, bypass the instructions and dive head first into stupid.
Sometimes it is the simplest "direction". For example, anyone that calls me...and probably you too...could hear " I am not available to take your call...Please leave a message after the beep." Yet how many actually leave a message? Better yet, how many proceed prior to the beep only to repeat themselves after the beep?
The irony is that the ones that don't leave messages often get frustrated with me because I don't return their calls. Well, how the heck am I supposed to know you called if you don't leave a message? And more importantly, if it was not important enough for you to leave a message, then it is not important enough for me to call right back. Follow Directions!
And when I order a small (or Tall if I am in Starbucks) soy, hot chocolate with hazelnut, no whip cream and no foam, don't get pissed at me when I return the cup that is half full with foam or that I see you mistakenly making with whole milk. Follow Directions!
If I say call me after 6:00 because I will be busy and won't have time to focus on you until then, don't get bothered when you call at 5:00 and I am abrupt and have no time for you. Follow Directions!
If we are driving, and you have directions which you pulled from Mapquest, Yahoo Maps, or a local map, why do you need me to tell you where to turn? Follow the Damn Directions!
When I tell you to go north on hwy 101 and you, in your brilliance, ignore the signs directing you to north instead to go south, don't call me to ask what to do next. You should have followed my directions in the first place. Now you need to reach back into your elementary school lesson of opposites and figure that one out yourself lest you look like a fool. Turn around, and resume Following Original Directions.
When you buy a chair that needs assembly, don't try to put it together by looking at the picture. It comes with directions for a reason, pull them out, get all necessary tools (as it says) and yes, FOLLOW the DIRECTIONS...or warn me prior to sitting in that chair.
However, when you receive a lovely, touching, inspirational poem forwarded by email through a line of people you don't know, don't follow the directions.
Sometimes it is the simplest "direction". For example, anyone that calls me...and probably you too...could hear " I am not available to take your call...Please leave a message after the beep." Yet how many actually leave a message? Better yet, how many proceed prior to the beep only to repeat themselves after the beep?
The irony is that the ones that don't leave messages often get frustrated with me because I don't return their calls. Well, how the heck am I supposed to know you called if you don't leave a message? And more importantly, if it was not important enough for you to leave a message, then it is not important enough for me to call right back. Follow Directions!
And when I order a small (or Tall if I am in Starbucks) soy, hot chocolate with hazelnut, no whip cream and no foam, don't get pissed at me when I return the cup that is half full with foam or that I see you mistakenly making with whole milk. Follow Directions!
If I say call me after 6:00 because I will be busy and won't have time to focus on you until then, don't get bothered when you call at 5:00 and I am abrupt and have no time for you. Follow Directions!
If we are driving, and you have directions which you pulled from Mapquest, Yahoo Maps, or a local map, why do you need me to tell you where to turn? Follow the Damn Directions!
When I tell you to go north on hwy 101 and you, in your brilliance, ignore the signs directing you to north instead to go south, don't call me to ask what to do next. You should have followed my directions in the first place. Now you need to reach back into your elementary school lesson of opposites and figure that one out yourself lest you look like a fool. Turn around, and resume Following Original Directions.
When you buy a chair that needs assembly, don't try to put it together by looking at the picture. It comes with directions for a reason, pull them out, get all necessary tools (as it says) and yes, FOLLOW the DIRECTIONS...or warn me prior to sitting in that chair.
However, when you receive a lovely, touching, inspirational poem forwarded by email through a line of people you don't know, don't follow the directions.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Friendship
I was chatting with my cousin yesterday about my event planning business and wedding planning. When I started describing the fiasco of a "friend's" wedding a few years back she playfully called me on the way I label people friends and then often follow it with how we aren't really friends.
This got me to thinking. I do have a definite idea of what I call a friend and this particular person was marrying a friend of a friend of mine. So, in fact, she was not my friend. She was just someone that I know...and not very well.
So, now I am thinking about the people in my life that I have given the label friend. Some have truly earned or deserve the title but, others simply road in on someone's connection. Yet, I have been a friend, in my own rights, to each and everyone. Only I am now wondering, as I move through personal and professional growth, which of those individuals that are now included in my circle of friends really should be released to the realm of "people I know".
Coming from a culture/environment where friends support one another in their endeavors, I have given my support to each of my friends in varying ways. I have been there with a slap of reality, a camera to hold, a pen to edit, a ride to the airport, a meal, an ear (I am finding that I really like lists), a ticket to an event I am not really interested in attending. For what it is worth, I have included my kids when I could, I have found babysitters for them when they couldn't be included. I have done...as far as I believe...my duty as a friend and continue to do so not out of obligation but, true appreciation for the part that each of my friends plays in my life.
For my friends, I would make sacrifices and be there even when being there puts a strain on me. Yet, I am finding that we do not all hold the same expectations for friendship. Too many of us expect our friends to be there and support us regardless of how we show up for them. And showing up on our time and at our convenience is not really showing up.
Evaluate yourself. Check your list of friends and make sure that you are showing up consistently and constantly.
My real friends are reading this post...others who are not...well, makes me wonder how are friendship fares.
This got me to thinking. I do have a definite idea of what I call a friend and this particular person was marrying a friend of a friend of mine. So, in fact, she was not my friend. She was just someone that I know...and not very well.
So, now I am thinking about the people in my life that I have given the label friend. Some have truly earned or deserve the title but, others simply road in on someone's connection. Yet, I have been a friend, in my own rights, to each and everyone. Only I am now wondering, as I move through personal and professional growth, which of those individuals that are now included in my circle of friends really should be released to the realm of "people I know".
Coming from a culture/environment where friends support one another in their endeavors, I have given my support to each of my friends in varying ways. I have been there with a slap of reality, a camera to hold, a pen to edit, a ride to the airport, a meal, an ear (I am finding that I really like lists), a ticket to an event I am not really interested in attending. For what it is worth, I have included my kids when I could, I have found babysitters for them when they couldn't be included. I have done...as far as I believe...my duty as a friend and continue to do so not out of obligation but, true appreciation for the part that each of my friends plays in my life.
For my friends, I would make sacrifices and be there even when being there puts a strain on me. Yet, I am finding that we do not all hold the same expectations for friendship. Too many of us expect our friends to be there and support us regardless of how we show up for them. And showing up on our time and at our convenience is not really showing up.
Evaluate yourself. Check your list of friends and make sure that you are showing up consistently and constantly.
My real friends are reading this post...others who are not...well, makes me wonder how are friendship fares.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Baggage...Not Necessarily Negative
We all know that I am currently in a constant state of reflection and that my mind often moves into deep thought over the simplest of elements. Today it is the idea of baggage. Baggage, in the context of relationships, is viewed as a negative element from the past that tends to cause turmoil and frustration in present circumstances. We are often warned to stay away from a man or woman who has a lot of baggage.
Well, as I was on my way to spend some time with my loved one (self) this past weekend, with my new commitment to stay off of the phone while driving, I got caught up in the thought that we all have baggage. And, if you have lived and loved even once, you have a lot of baggage.
If baggage is a representation of our past pains and hurts then you are bound to be carrying the weight of lost love, missed opportunity, an emotionally distant mother, an absent father, misrepresentation, infidelity, ignorance, middle child syndrome, school struggles, unemployment, etc. (you get the picture)
We are all a product of our pasts. So, to simply say that you don't want someone with baggage is to say that you don't want someone that has a past. You don't want someone that grew up in a family and you don't want someone who grew up without a family. You don't want someone that has had a love relationship, a job, friends, gone to school. An you don't want someone who has not had these experiences. It is in the experience or the lack of experience that our bags are filled. And the ultimate problem is that even the most emotionally in tune and self reflective person has their own bags to tote.
I have lived and have bags and have taken great care to meticulously fill them with all of the necessities to protect me from reliving any painful aspect of my personal history. My bags guide me...giving me direction such that I recognize frequently traveled roads...those that lead to nowhere. The contents of my bags remind me of who I don't want to be and where I don't want to go and with whom I would rather not travel.
I do not want someone who does not recognize their baggage and has not done a full evaluation of the contents in an effort to decide what needs to go to goodwill versus what is valuable. I want someone who understands that when I reach into my bag and pull out a need to flee, they don't need to reach into their bag and find their fear of abandonment.
I understand the notion of baggage being the refusal to let go of past hurts and carrying the grudges or distrust into a current relationship. However, I am challenging that notion. From our past, we have grown (hopefully) and we may have let go of the pain yet, there is always a chance that a new situation spark a feeling of deja vu.
We all have baggage. The key is to know what kind you carry and what you have packed so that you can recognize your property at the baggage claim.
Well, as I was on my way to spend some time with my loved one (self) this past weekend, with my new commitment to stay off of the phone while driving, I got caught up in the thought that we all have baggage. And, if you have lived and loved even once, you have a lot of baggage.
If baggage is a representation of our past pains and hurts then you are bound to be carrying the weight of lost love, missed opportunity, an emotionally distant mother, an absent father, misrepresentation, infidelity, ignorance, middle child syndrome, school struggles, unemployment, etc. (you get the picture)
We are all a product of our pasts. So, to simply say that you don't want someone with baggage is to say that you don't want someone that has a past. You don't want someone that grew up in a family and you don't want someone who grew up without a family. You don't want someone that has had a love relationship, a job, friends, gone to school. An you don't want someone who has not had these experiences. It is in the experience or the lack of experience that our bags are filled. And the ultimate problem is that even the most emotionally in tune and self reflective person has their own bags to tote.
I have lived and have bags and have taken great care to meticulously fill them with all of the necessities to protect me from reliving any painful aspect of my personal history. My bags guide me...giving me direction such that I recognize frequently traveled roads...those that lead to nowhere. The contents of my bags remind me of who I don't want to be and where I don't want to go and with whom I would rather not travel.
I do not want someone who does not recognize their baggage and has not done a full evaluation of the contents in an effort to decide what needs to go to goodwill versus what is valuable. I want someone who understands that when I reach into my bag and pull out a need to flee, they don't need to reach into their bag and find their fear of abandonment.
I understand the notion of baggage being the refusal to let go of past hurts and carrying the grudges or distrust into a current relationship. However, I am challenging that notion. From our past, we have grown (hopefully) and we may have let go of the pain yet, there is always a chance that a new situation spark a feeling of deja vu.
We all have baggage. The key is to know what kind you carry and what you have packed so that you can recognize your property at the baggage claim.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY
I am not sure what this day will bring. I am not sure if I should expect it to bring anything different than the rest of the 363 days of the year. Everyday should be Valentine's Day. Anyday should be a day to surprise your loved one with flowers, candy, spa pampering, fine bottle of wine, dinner theater...actually does anyone know a good dinner theater in the bay area. We all know this, yet we get caught up in ourselves, our struggles, our stresses, our successes that we forget to appreciate living and live.
As I started this day, I prepared for it to be special. I am loving myself and today I will celebrate being in love with by grown son who thinks that when you turn 18 you don't have to listen to your parents anymore but still kisses me goodnight (he'll always need me)...my beautiful daughter who is just coming into herself and finding her independence (she'll always pretend she doesn't need me).... and my precious monster baby who doesn't know today from yesterday but fills all our days with crazy, whiny, fun, adventure.
I will celebrate my loving me...and I will enjoy.
Heartfelt much love to all of my friends and family who continue to support me in all of my me.
Love you and to you I toast today...of course after I toast me. ;)
As I started this day, I prepared for it to be special. I am loving myself and today I will celebrate being in love with by grown son who thinks that when you turn 18 you don't have to listen to your parents anymore but still kisses me goodnight (he'll always need me)...my beautiful daughter who is just coming into herself and finding her independence (she'll always pretend she doesn't need me).... and my precious monster baby who doesn't know today from yesterday but fills all our days with crazy, whiny, fun, adventure.
I will celebrate my loving me...and I will enjoy.
Heartfelt much love to all of my friends and family who continue to support me in all of my me.
Love you and to you I toast today...of course after I toast me. ;)
Friday, February 13, 2009
Disconnect to Connect
Put down the cell phone
Turn off the ringer
Log off of Facebook, Myspace, AIM, IM
Forget your email
Take off your headphones
Go to a friend's home just to say hi
Speak to the person next to you in line
Share a table with a perfect stranger...and talk to them
Say hi to the passerby
Talk to yourself
Disconnect to truly Connect
Turn off the ringer
Log off of Facebook, Myspace, AIM, IM
Forget your email
Take off your headphones
Go to a friend's home just to say hi
Speak to the person next to you in line
Share a table with a perfect stranger...and talk to them
Say hi to the passerby
Talk to yourself
Disconnect to truly Connect
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Friends?
After much deliberation and months of reservation, I have finally joined the Facebook craze. I have been having so much fun adding photos, picking friends, posting notes, etc. But, I now have a new series of thoughts.
1. Are these "friends" really my "friends"? I mean can I invite them for a family dinner and expect them to show up? Will they know me and can I cry on their shoulder or tell them the funny thing that the baby did last night? Actually, if I tell them, because I can write whatever I want on their wall, will they care? Or will they think I am a stalker nut and block me? (I'll let you know.) When I need a ride because my car has a flat tire, which of them will show up?
2. Are we so busy, caught up in our lives, trying to live that we forget to live? We forget to spend time to meet people...get to know people? Can we really connect this way? Or actually, are the connections real?
3. If our lives are so busy and we are so enthralled in ourselves (not negatively) that we can't get out to interact with the physical friends, how in the world will we have time for the 2000+ new friends we meet at the Facebook "cafe"?
I don't know....but, I know that I have already "connected" with someone from high school, someone that I haven't seen in over two years, another that I have been meaning to contact. So, I will enjoy the benefits of technology and this new venue of "keeping up".
But one thing, didn't our parents teach us not to write on walls? Some changes are going to have to be made in the teachings after all "typing on cyber walls" will have to be the known exception to the rule...right there with chalkboards.
Oh...an afterthought...but, quite important...do I really want to be "friends" with my kids? Do I really want to know what they are saying to their friends or is it better the way our parents had it...kept in the dark! (not from a prevention of internet predator perspective...perspective of I don't want to know that my kids curse or think they are gangsters when they clearly have no clue.)
1. Are these "friends" really my "friends"? I mean can I invite them for a family dinner and expect them to show up? Will they know me and can I cry on their shoulder or tell them the funny thing that the baby did last night? Actually, if I tell them, because I can write whatever I want on their wall, will they care? Or will they think I am a stalker nut and block me? (I'll let you know.) When I need a ride because my car has a flat tire, which of them will show up?
2. Are we so busy, caught up in our lives, trying to live that we forget to live? We forget to spend time to meet people...get to know people? Can we really connect this way? Or actually, are the connections real?
3. If our lives are so busy and we are so enthralled in ourselves (not negatively) that we can't get out to interact with the physical friends, how in the world will we have time for the 2000+ new friends we meet at the Facebook "cafe"?
I don't know....but, I know that I have already "connected" with someone from high school, someone that I haven't seen in over two years, another that I have been meaning to contact. So, I will enjoy the benefits of technology and this new venue of "keeping up".
But one thing, didn't our parents teach us not to write on walls? Some changes are going to have to be made in the teachings after all "typing on cyber walls" will have to be the known exception to the rule...right there with chalkboards.
Oh...an afterthought...but, quite important...do I really want to be "friends" with my kids? Do I really want to know what they are saying to their friends or is it better the way our parents had it...kept in the dark! (not from a prevention of internet predator perspective...perspective of I don't want to know that my kids curse or think they are gangsters when they clearly have no clue.)
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Just a Thought
1. If it takes a village to raise a child, why am I the only one footing the bill?
2. Babies come out one at a time for a reason.
3. When did someone's marriage become someone else's business.
4. You don't have to hit back.
5. Spanish-speaking does not mean illegal and illegal does not mean uneducated.
6. Change is good.
7. What is the use of having cake if you can't eat it?
8. You may be damned if you do but, you are definitely more damned if you don't.
9. Get a young dog and teach it all the tricks you want.
10. If you take the top off...for the love of God...put it back on.
2. Babies come out one at a time for a reason.
3. When did someone's marriage become someone else's business.
4. You don't have to hit back.
5. Spanish-speaking does not mean illegal and illegal does not mean uneducated.
6. Change is good.
7. What is the use of having cake if you can't eat it?
8. You may be damned if you do but, you are definitely more damned if you don't.
9. Get a young dog and teach it all the tricks you want.
10. If you take the top off...for the love of God...put it back on.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship
This is not listed in any particular order of least to greatest.
1. If you go to the club, you go separately.
There is something clearly wrong with a relationship where either partner prefers to go to the club solo EVERY weekend. Most of us have been to clubs/bars and know that anyone there that is not attached to another is fair game. If he has a woman, why isn't she with him? Sometimes is okay. We all need to breath. But, regularly....NO!
2. His "boys night out" takes precedence to your spending quality time together.
I dated a guy who had a routine of going out with the "fellas" on Friday nights. This rarely bothered me because I usually didn't have a babysitter for Friday nights. One week a girlfriend volunteered to give me some "me time" and take the kids for an evening. The only evening that worked for her was Friday night. My "boyfriend" didn't want to change his "boys night out" routine despite the fact that this was a once in a blue moon opportunity. Suffice it to say, he went out with the fellas and I went on a date with someone else.
3. You don't want to tell him/her what you are thinking because he/she will be upset.
Communication is the key to maintaining any relationship. Once the communication fails and you can't go to your partner with your concerns then there is no relationship. And if everytime you try to talk about something that concerns you they retaliate with something that they don't like about you, then the two of you are not communicating. You have to talk to each other to know each other.
4. You stop spending time with your friends.
Your relationship should be an addition to your life. It should not take you away from everything that you love. If your partner insists on monopolizing your time and keeping you from your friends and family, they are usually trying to keep you from realizing the crazy that is their world. It is in an effort to keep you solely dependent on them feeding their insecurities and draining you of your you.
5. You forego going out with your friends because he might call. Or, you cancel a date with your friends because he called to ask you out at the last minute.
So, a few years ago there was a female "friend" of mine who had invited me to her home for dinner and to go the the movies at a cool theatre in Oakland, CA. Because she tended to be a bit "flaky" I confirmed two to three times that day even calling as I was on my way to make sure that we were still on for hanging out. She said confirmed and said that she would wait for me to call to guide me from the highway to her home. That was the last we talked until I saw her about a year and a half later. She stood me up because some guy showed up and asked her to go out to dinner. Not healthy.
6. You are worried about your partner seeking attention from the opposite sex.
Now, this is all relative. It would be difficult to discern if this is just your "monster" or hers/his. None the less, it is a monster and if it rears its ugly head in your relationship, then that is unhealthy and the relationship may be unhealthy for you.
7. Sex is the beginning, the middle and the end.
If all you have is a physical connection then call it that. Now, this is only unhealthy if you are looking for more than the physical. If not, then more power to you.
8. Your partner doesn't respect your issues/demons and support you through ridding yourself of the hold.
We all have demons...traits that are unhealthy for us. Our loved ones should love us despite us but help us to improve through support and understanding. Caution: this is only if we are willing to deal with ourselves truthfully. Don't expect him/her to be around while you abuse their commitment to you.
9. He/she is verbally/emotionally/physically abusive.
Abuse comes in all kinds of forms and physical abuse may be more easily recognizable but emotional and verbal abuse can have a tendency to outlast the physical or to compound it. We must not allow for any abuses with regards to those that we love or that love us. We must respect ourselves enough to not accept the trash that others dish. And, this goes back to alienating ourselves from our friends, we must never fear talking to others that love us because there is nothing like a big brother, a loving mother, a sister's shoulder to cry on while the cousins kick his a*&....sorry, I got lost for a minute...but, you get it.
10. You are unhappy, unfulfilled, not growing, bored.
This is all for today. Feel free to add to the list.
Now, realizing that you are in an unhealthy relationship does not necessarily mean that you need to end said relationship. Relationships take work. So, it means that you have some work to do to get your relationship back on track to healthy. We will talk about that later.
1. If you go to the club, you go separately.
There is something clearly wrong with a relationship where either partner prefers to go to the club solo EVERY weekend. Most of us have been to clubs/bars and know that anyone there that is not attached to another is fair game. If he has a woman, why isn't she with him? Sometimes is okay. We all need to breath. But, regularly....NO!
2. His "boys night out" takes precedence to your spending quality time together.
I dated a guy who had a routine of going out with the "fellas" on Friday nights. This rarely bothered me because I usually didn't have a babysitter for Friday nights. One week a girlfriend volunteered to give me some "me time" and take the kids for an evening. The only evening that worked for her was Friday night. My "boyfriend" didn't want to change his "boys night out" routine despite the fact that this was a once in a blue moon opportunity. Suffice it to say, he went out with the fellas and I went on a date with someone else.
3. You don't want to tell him/her what you are thinking because he/she will be upset.
Communication is the key to maintaining any relationship. Once the communication fails and you can't go to your partner with your concerns then there is no relationship. And if everytime you try to talk about something that concerns you they retaliate with something that they don't like about you, then the two of you are not communicating. You have to talk to each other to know each other.
4. You stop spending time with your friends.
Your relationship should be an addition to your life. It should not take you away from everything that you love. If your partner insists on monopolizing your time and keeping you from your friends and family, they are usually trying to keep you from realizing the crazy that is their world. It is in an effort to keep you solely dependent on them feeding their insecurities and draining you of your you.
5. You forego going out with your friends because he might call. Or, you cancel a date with your friends because he called to ask you out at the last minute.
So, a few years ago there was a female "friend" of mine who had invited me to her home for dinner and to go the the movies at a cool theatre in Oakland, CA. Because she tended to be a bit "flaky" I confirmed two to three times that day even calling as I was on my way to make sure that we were still on for hanging out. She said confirmed and said that she would wait for me to call to guide me from the highway to her home. That was the last we talked until I saw her about a year and a half later. She stood me up because some guy showed up and asked her to go out to dinner. Not healthy.
6. You are worried about your partner seeking attention from the opposite sex.
Now, this is all relative. It would be difficult to discern if this is just your "monster" or hers/his. None the less, it is a monster and if it rears its ugly head in your relationship, then that is unhealthy and the relationship may be unhealthy for you.
7. Sex is the beginning, the middle and the end.
If all you have is a physical connection then call it that. Now, this is only unhealthy if you are looking for more than the physical. If not, then more power to you.
8. Your partner doesn't respect your issues/demons and support you through ridding yourself of the hold.
We all have demons...traits that are unhealthy for us. Our loved ones should love us despite us but help us to improve through support and understanding. Caution: this is only if we are willing to deal with ourselves truthfully. Don't expect him/her to be around while you abuse their commitment to you.
9. He/she is verbally/emotionally/physically abusive.
Abuse comes in all kinds of forms and physical abuse may be more easily recognizable but emotional and verbal abuse can have a tendency to outlast the physical or to compound it. We must not allow for any abuses with regards to those that we love or that love us. We must respect ourselves enough to not accept the trash that others dish. And, this goes back to alienating ourselves from our friends, we must never fear talking to others that love us because there is nothing like a big brother, a loving mother, a sister's shoulder to cry on while the cousins kick his a*&....sorry, I got lost for a minute...but, you get it.
10. You are unhappy, unfulfilled, not growing, bored.
This is all for today. Feel free to add to the list.
Now, realizing that you are in an unhealthy relationship does not necessarily mean that you need to end said relationship. Relationships take work. So, it means that you have some work to do to get your relationship back on track to healthy. We will talk about that later.
Forgiveness
"He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you." Friedrich Nietzsche
So, I have been in my room reflecting. (See "Am I Sorry") And I have been thinking about Sigmund Freud's theory on projection. According to Freud, projection is a defense mechanism where an individual attribute's one's own undesirable traits or feelings to another. Thus, the cheater assumes that everyone else is dishonest and may accuse the other of cheating.
We "project" ourselves onto others and react to traits that we have given. We also give more emphasis to traits/characteristics that have been most bothersome to us. So, what we don't like most in others is a reflection of what we have not dealt with or accepted of ourselves. Following this logic, I have to realize that it is my own false sense of reality of self that puts a strain on my interactions with others. And although I don't completely subscribe to Freud's teachings, this one seems to have a bit of truth.
I don't like me in you...so, am I really completely happy with me. Well, yes but, there are definitely aspects of me that I work to develop into a more productive state. We all have unhealthy traits that we would like to live without and when we come across them in others, we are forced to see exactly how ugly they are in us.
So, this brings me to my true thoughts on forgiveness. If we are to truly let go of all feelings of resentment, indignation or anger for a perceived offense, difference or mistake of another, and if we are to let go of all urges for punishment or restitution...then we must first let go of our own guilt. We have to forgive ourselves. We have to accept that we are not perfect...no, we are each perfectly imperfect. We cannot hold the bar so high that even we have not been able to reach. Basically, we must accept the "ugly" within ourselves in order to "forgive" the ugly of others.
So, I have been in my room reflecting. (See "Am I Sorry") And I have been thinking about Sigmund Freud's theory on projection. According to Freud, projection is a defense mechanism where an individual attribute's one's own undesirable traits or feelings to another. Thus, the cheater assumes that everyone else is dishonest and may accuse the other of cheating.
We "project" ourselves onto others and react to traits that we have given. We also give more emphasis to traits/characteristics that have been most bothersome to us. So, what we don't like most in others is a reflection of what we have not dealt with or accepted of ourselves. Following this logic, I have to realize that it is my own false sense of reality of self that puts a strain on my interactions with others. And although I don't completely subscribe to Freud's teachings, this one seems to have a bit of truth.
I don't like me in you...so, am I really completely happy with me. Well, yes but, there are definitely aspects of me that I work to develop into a more productive state. We all have unhealthy traits that we would like to live without and when we come across them in others, we are forced to see exactly how ugly they are in us.
So, this brings me to my true thoughts on forgiveness. If we are to truly let go of all feelings of resentment, indignation or anger for a perceived offense, difference or mistake of another, and if we are to let go of all urges for punishment or restitution...then we must first let go of our own guilt. We have to forgive ourselves. We have to accept that we are not perfect...no, we are each perfectly imperfect. We cannot hold the bar so high that even we have not been able to reach. Basically, we must accept the "ugly" within ourselves in order to "forgive" the ugly of others.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Am I Sorry
It's not that I am not able to apologize, it is that I have a hard time apologizing for something that I did on purpose. It is not that I enjoy causing pain, discomfort or discord in my relationships. It is that, at times, I am okay with a little retaliatory vindication. I am not the only one. I am just the one that will admit it in public.
I am not a coldhearted individual with no regard for others. In fact, I have the highest regard such that I bite my tongue until it bleeds rivers, holding back in order not to inflict the irreversible pain of truth spoken.
I hold back because I know that what I am holding is the burden of your truth. It is what you have thought about, felt and doubted about yourself. It is the burden that I have lifted from you with my support, encouragement, and praise. Yet there comes a time, when I get so tired of carrying your burden that I explode and unleash days, months, years of truth that cut deeper than anything you can conjure in your fits of frustration.
It hurts like hell because you have felt it before
It is your truth
A truth that you have tried to avoid
And am I sorry for reminding you of your pain?
No.
My mother says that the burden of responsibility is on the stronger one...on the one that holds the truth. I am not hurt by your accusations/rants/mistakes because I know the truth about me. I am not hurt by what you say but, the fact that you say it is the cause of a momentary shift. But, apparently, I am wrong for digging to the depths of your pain and pulling out just what I know will shut you up for more than just a moment and keep you up even past the calming of the storm.
I say. Both are wrong. And although the vindication feels good for the moment, verbal abuses are not cured with even the most heartfelt apologies. And even though I believe it is the burden of the individual to not "dish what they cannot take"...it is wrong...but, am I sorry. Not yet.
We need to be careful who we fight, what fights we pick, and what weapons we choose.
Sorry has become an excuse to speak without thinking...to act without stopping first to consider the consequences. Sorry is used carelessly. It is thrown around like "good morning." It is used to end things. After all, what is left to say after the apology?
So, I have been criticized for an assumed inability to apologize. I do apologize when I am wrong. It just happens that I am rarely wrong (kidding). I am capable of true remorse. I simply don't believe in instant remorse for the sake of satisfaction of the other. I believe in "going to your room and thinking about it." Afterall, there are life lessons in our childhood.
From my childhood, I bring the need to take some time to think about "what I did". And your not talking to me is the impetus. It's the whooping my father would have given me, the standing in the corner or the back turned by my grandmother. Then, I go to my "room" and I process...I reflect.
So...am I sorry. No. But I will be tomorrow.
Think about it.
I am not a coldhearted individual with no regard for others. In fact, I have the highest regard such that I bite my tongue until it bleeds rivers, holding back in order not to inflict the irreversible pain of truth spoken.
I hold back because I know that what I am holding is the burden of your truth. It is what you have thought about, felt and doubted about yourself. It is the burden that I have lifted from you with my support, encouragement, and praise. Yet there comes a time, when I get so tired of carrying your burden that I explode and unleash days, months, years of truth that cut deeper than anything you can conjure in your fits of frustration.
It hurts like hell because you have felt it before
It is your truth
A truth that you have tried to avoid
And am I sorry for reminding you of your pain?
No.
My mother says that the burden of responsibility is on the stronger one...on the one that holds the truth. I am not hurt by your accusations/rants/mistakes because I know the truth about me. I am not hurt by what you say but, the fact that you say it is the cause of a momentary shift. But, apparently, I am wrong for digging to the depths of your pain and pulling out just what I know will shut you up for more than just a moment and keep you up even past the calming of the storm.
I say. Both are wrong. And although the vindication feels good for the moment, verbal abuses are not cured with even the most heartfelt apologies. And even though I believe it is the burden of the individual to not "dish what they cannot take"...it is wrong...but, am I sorry. Not yet.
We need to be careful who we fight, what fights we pick, and what weapons we choose.
Sorry has become an excuse to speak without thinking...to act without stopping first to consider the consequences. Sorry is used carelessly. It is thrown around like "good morning." It is used to end things. After all, what is left to say after the apology?
So, I have been criticized for an assumed inability to apologize. I do apologize when I am wrong. It just happens that I am rarely wrong (kidding). I am capable of true remorse. I simply don't believe in instant remorse for the sake of satisfaction of the other. I believe in "going to your room and thinking about it." Afterall, there are life lessons in our childhood.
From my childhood, I bring the need to take some time to think about "what I did". And your not talking to me is the impetus. It's the whooping my father would have given me, the standing in the corner or the back turned by my grandmother. Then, I go to my "room" and I process...I reflect.
So...am I sorry. No. But I will be tomorrow.
Think about it.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Redefined Soulmate
Today I am feeling lost in a sea of craziness that has been my life for the past few years. I have been in a relationship with the "anti-me". At a time in my life where I was happy to be going solo and had come to love myself quite dearly, I met a man that would change my life in very drastic ways.
We seemed destined to be forever. We moved quickly towards making a life together as if in some urgency we had to be bound to one another at that moment or our worlds would fall. We bypassed conventional wisdoms, wrapped ourselves in each other and enjoyed the illusion. Only we were disillusioned.
In reality, it was the wrong time. He was fresh out of a failed marriage and carrying the baggage of a bitter ex-wife and an angry/confused/hurt pre-teen daughter. He was not ready for what is/was me and I am not sure that I was really ready for what it meant to be with him.
I am coming to realize that the hopes of finding that one person that was meant for you are clouded by the fairytale endings of Cinderella, Snow White, and countless other children's stories. As young women, we were groomed to believe that our prince charming will be charming. He will ride in on his horse and take us away from our worries. He will rescue us and our lives will be forever charmed.
The problem is that there are no true "prince charmings". Oh, they are charming as they lay out their "resumes" and interview for the job. Yet, when they get the job, they soon start to take advantage of flex time, they resent their boss, and you realize that the resume is what they want to believe of themselves and what they want you to believe. In this, it is not really a lie. However, it should come with a disclaimer. The disclaimer could read: "This is me in a perfect world. But, when the world is not perfect, look out!"
Don't get me wrong. I am in no way bashing any particular gender. I am not intending this to be the rantings of a bitter woman scorned by missed opportunity, misunderstandings, miscommunications, missed connections, missing someone. This reasoning applies from both directions. Women are guilty of the non-disclaimer resume as well. After all, Prince Charming knew exactly what Snow White needed. She was laying there asleep. She didn't have to ask for a kiss. He just knew. We expect men to know what we are thinking, wanting, needing without having to express it. After all, if he is supposed to be for me, then I shouldn't have to explain me, right? Wrong!!!
This comes to the new definition of soulmate. It is not one someone that is out there waiting for us. There is not someone that has been sitting around all their life waiting for Kai to come by and sweep him off his feet. He has been experiencing life, has had his ups and downs, perhaps has children, scorned lovers, disowned friends, believed in loved, failed in loved, trusted, mistrusted, denied the truth, lived in a lie, lost a loved one, pushed away a loved one, shunned love. He has lived and may be able to see a new, everchanging life with a new if only given the opportunity to hear and be heard. Your soulmate is someone who will work with you (most of the time), against you a few times, for you all of the time. He/she is willing to put in the effort that it takes to move a relationship in and out of the honeymoon stage for the next 50+ years. Your soulmate is simply committed to being committed regardless of the moments of pain. This person realizes that those moments of pain can lead to growth and redefinition of what is and how it is to be truly loved, loving, committed.
So, my life has been changed. I have, from a faltered love, a beautiful baby boy, a newer understanding of self, new determination to grow, and a new definition of soulmate.
More tomorrow...not sure what the topic will be... ;)
We seemed destined to be forever. We moved quickly towards making a life together as if in some urgency we had to be bound to one another at that moment or our worlds would fall. We bypassed conventional wisdoms, wrapped ourselves in each other and enjoyed the illusion. Only we were disillusioned.
In reality, it was the wrong time. He was fresh out of a failed marriage and carrying the baggage of a bitter ex-wife and an angry/confused/hurt pre-teen daughter. He was not ready for what is/was me and I am not sure that I was really ready for what it meant to be with him.
I am coming to realize that the hopes of finding that one person that was meant for you are clouded by the fairytale endings of Cinderella, Snow White, and countless other children's stories. As young women, we were groomed to believe that our prince charming will be charming. He will ride in on his horse and take us away from our worries. He will rescue us and our lives will be forever charmed.
The problem is that there are no true "prince charmings". Oh, they are charming as they lay out their "resumes" and interview for the job. Yet, when they get the job, they soon start to take advantage of flex time, they resent their boss, and you realize that the resume is what they want to believe of themselves and what they want you to believe. In this, it is not really a lie. However, it should come with a disclaimer. The disclaimer could read: "This is me in a perfect world. But, when the world is not perfect, look out!"
Don't get me wrong. I am in no way bashing any particular gender. I am not intending this to be the rantings of a bitter woman scorned by missed opportunity, misunderstandings, miscommunications, missed connections, missing someone. This reasoning applies from both directions. Women are guilty of the non-disclaimer resume as well. After all, Prince Charming knew exactly what Snow White needed. She was laying there asleep. She didn't have to ask for a kiss. He just knew. We expect men to know what we are thinking, wanting, needing without having to express it. After all, if he is supposed to be for me, then I shouldn't have to explain me, right? Wrong!!!
This comes to the new definition of soulmate. It is not one someone that is out there waiting for us. There is not someone that has been sitting around all their life waiting for Kai to come by and sweep him off his feet. He has been experiencing life, has had his ups and downs, perhaps has children, scorned lovers, disowned friends, believed in loved, failed in loved, trusted, mistrusted, denied the truth, lived in a lie, lost a loved one, pushed away a loved one, shunned love. He has lived and may be able to see a new, everchanging life with a new if only given the opportunity to hear and be heard. Your soulmate is someone who will work with you (most of the time), against you a few times, for you all of the time. He/she is willing to put in the effort that it takes to move a relationship in and out of the honeymoon stage for the next 50+ years. Your soulmate is simply committed to being committed regardless of the moments of pain. This person realizes that those moments of pain can lead to growth and redefinition of what is and how it is to be truly loved, loving, committed.
So, my life has been changed. I have, from a faltered love, a beautiful baby boy, a newer understanding of self, new determination to grow, and a new definition of soulmate.
More tomorrow...not sure what the topic will be... ;)
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